Essay 5 - 2024. My Personal Battle with Stage 4 Cancer or CLL. Or The Battle with Life and Death. Another Metaphysical Life Experience for Me. Is Dying and Death Like the Weather? When is it going to rain? When are you going to die? Me, I Don’t Worry About the Rain, nor the Time of My Death! By: Mr. George D. Patnoe. January 31, 2024

Essay 5 - 2024. My Personal Battle with Stage 4 Cancer or CLL.

Or The Battle with Life and Death.

Another Metaphysical Life Experience for Me.

Is Dying and Death Like the Weather?

When is it going to rain? When are you going to die?

Me, I Don’t Worry About the Rain, nor the Time of My Death!

By: Mr. George D. Patnoe.

January 31, 2024

The time of death, of your death. Have you thought about the moment of your death? I have thought about the time, place, when, and how of my death more than once or twice ever since I was a young boy. But then again, the real spiritual me cannot die. It took decades for me to figure it out, that my true spiritual selfhood is truly immortal, but I knew it when I was young. Yet, the battle between life and death continues to this day, for me and you, my dear reader.

Have you ever thought about it? Your time of death, the moment when you will stop breathing? The when, the where, the how, of your own personal human death. Or are you so wrapped up in your tiny personal human life that you think only about your personal boxed body mentality of your human life and existence that you are never going to die? It is never too late to prepare for what is coming down the road of life and death.

Maybe you are one of those people who thinks that this life is so real that you are not even aware that one day you will die? Be gone. Exited. Free? Maybe, most people do not worry about their own individual personal death. They do not think about it at all. Ok. If not now, then one day you will be forced to think about it. Or maybe you will not about it then, either.

I was looking at the Weather Channel to find out when it was going to rain here in my state where it hardly ever rains. But it is wintertime in California. As the 1960s song goes, “It never rains in Southern California, but when it does, it pours.” On the East Coast, the rain can last a long time, but it usually does not rain like it does in California. In California, the rain can pour like buckets out of the sky. On the East Coast, it just rains steadily for long periods of time, sometimes. I really loved the New York rain.

When people are dying from cancer, it is like the song, “When it rains cancer inside your body, it just pours deadly cancer cells inside your body, until you either get cured or you die.”

The truth is that a lot of people are dead before they are actually biologically dead because they are spiritually dead, which is the worst type of death there is for anyone. Why don’t people think about the deep issues of life and death before it is too late? I think that is what has saved so many times from the death of my biological human body, unlike mere mortals that come and go from Earth.

There might be a song out there goes like this. “When am I going to die because I really want to know before I actually die.” When am I going to die because I want to live as long as I can and be as bold as I can be before I stop breathing.

Breathing is an experience that cancer patients learn to appreciate way more than most people, I am guessing. Cancer patients learn to love breathing, probably because they are so tired that breathing is the only thing they can do without effort. Hum. That is probably a bullshit statement. Breathing does take effect so close to death.

Sometimes, I could hear my own breathing as I laid in bed while the chemo-pills were fighting the cancer cells. In the beginning, I could barely move my skin and bones and blood biological body. The only thing I could move is my breathing, in and out. In and out. In and out. In and out. Forever? But not forever, of course. When is my last breath going to take place? Hum!

There are many problems with wishful thinking about dying and death. First of all, nobody really knows when the exact moment of their death is going to be, even if they see it coming, or if they have a rough idea of when and where they are going to die. Maybe it does not matter at all.

The human experience is filled with so many deadly situations, like driving your car or truck alone on a busy or lonely highway. Anyone can be killed in a car or truck accident, or in an airplane accident, etc.

Therefore, death can arrive at any time on a highway or street anywhere in the world. That is a very fast death versus a cancer death, a slow death, compared to a fast death, which might be better. How about death by the weather? How many people die from the weather? I personally came close to dying by the weather which is good for me.

Cancer death is a very slow death for most cancer-inflicted people; I am guessing. In any type of cancer, the patient knows they are dying, and that death is closer than breathing. They know that a future death could be quickly approaching, faster than expected in any case. They are aware of their own dying process, which in a way is a gift, compared to being smashed into and killed into death by a drunk driver. But as every cancer patient knows, dying from chemo treatment is hell on earth, even if the chemo is trying to keep you alive a bit longer. Some people would rather be dead.

When a person is slowly dying from stage 4 cancer, even if a patient is taking any type of chemotherapy, it is always there, in the back of their minds, that death is closer than it might have ever been for most people.

Death is there, as a subconscious state of consciousness, like the subconscious awareness that we are all breathing air until the air is being sucked out of the lungs by a knife stabbing in your lungs, or by a pair of hands wrapped around your neck, or if you decide to hang yourself. Or if someone hangs you for an unjust reason or cause, like being black in America's south.

In effect, a person who is slowly dying from cancer, they are in a true sense, and in reality, walking death. Their biological body is surely dying, and their minds know that it is dying, which leaves a deep and lasting impression on the brain and mind that death is waiting, standing over you, like the angel of death. So, as if you were in shock after you were kidnapped and you knew that were going to die anyway after the money was paid for your release to the kidnappers.

When a person is dying from cancer, and if they are taking any type of chemotherapy, they are in a sense a walking zombie, or at least I was at the beginning of my cancer treatment. But I was taking other drugs too, (More on that later.) Which did not help my zombie-like bodily and mental state of existence. The outside, external world from your mind and body becomes a non-existent entity because your zombie-like state of existence is simply breathing, over and over again until you can go to sleep and forget your dying state of existence.

Sometimes, I giggled at the suggestion that I was lying in bed pretending that I was going to die. After all, it wasn’t my first time dealing with dying and death and then overcoming dying and death. But I had overcome dying and death a long time ago in my mind, my consciousness.

Being so sick and tired every second of the day for days on end feeling like I was already dead, especially since I could do almost nothing whatsoever. No more boldness for those moments. Boldness is out of the question when you are dying from anything. Except to jump off a bridge and kill yourself, which was not an option for me even though I live close to some bridges with river currents so strong that you would die just from being dragged underneath the water.

But what would you do if you knew the exact day and time of your own personal death, just like what are you going to do when you know it is going to rain? I can state on important fact, as least for me, waiting to die is not like waiting for the rain to end. Waiting for the rain to stop raining is most definitely not like waiting to die from anything at all.

Rain produces life on Earth. Cancer produces death on earth. There are so many ways to die, to enter the death state of existence, so treasure your human life because one day it will be over, sometimes sooner than later, sometimes unexpectedly, like if a Mac truck is speeding out of control and it drives over your tiny nothing car, killing you in the blink of an eye blink. You would not even know you were dead because it would happen so fast. Dead like a dead fly on the wall.

We all want to know when the weather is changing or when it is going to rain because we all want and need to dress accordingly, act accordingly, and make decisions accordingly. Now that I think about it, what was I going to wear on my deathbed? Pjs. A suit with a tie. How about being completely nude. How wearing body paint with all sorts of colors, just for the fun of it.

We all know what Jesus wore when he was dying and when he was on the cross. A piece of cloth around his mid-section. He had more problems to worry about I suppose. Like dying and then returning back to life to prove to some humans that death was a mortal illusion, believe it or not.

I have wondered, ‘Would I do if I truly knew when I was going to die?” Actually, I don’t know what I would do if I had enough time to think about it, but I might have some options, probably like a lot of you if you actually knew the exact moment you were going to die for any reason whatsoever. I would wait for the next stage of my consciousness to transform itself from a biological body to some other type of body for the afterlife.

Some people would want to have sex the moment they are dying, but that is impossible for a person with stage 4 cancer. Thinking about sex while you are dying from stage 4 cancer is like hoping to win the lotto while you are dying from stage 4 cancer.

There is only one thing people want when they are dying from stage 4 cancer, and that is to live another day or to just die and get it over with because they cannot take the suffering anymore. Anyway, you cannot have sex when your biological body is barely operating anymore, so don’t plan on having sex before you die if you are dying from stage 4 cancer, when your body is a ruin of rusted body parts.

Some people might smoke a joint or drink a beer or eat their favorite food. Some people might want to die in an airplane while they are looking out the window to view the whole landscape wherever they might die by jumping out of a perfectly good airplane and pretending to fly like a dying bird in the sky. Sometimes, I think jumping out of a flying airplane would be a fun way to die, flying like a bird ready to die, hopefully actually being dead before hitting the ground.

Before I was officially dealing with stage 4 CLL cancer, when I was sitting in my chair on the front porch of my house, with a cup of coffee in my hand, I would look up at the sky and ponder the wonderment of life on earth, like what would it be like to fly like a bird in the sky, so free and unbounded by the gravity of the mass of earth.

I would also ponder how is it that I was still alive after so many close calls with my own personal human death. Do my dear readers know how many times I was told that I should be dead by a medical professional surgeon? I bet many of you have had your own close calls with your own personal death.

After the threat of death was gone, sitting in the same chair on the same porch was a completely different mental and psychological experience. During the dying process, when I sat in that chair on the front porch, I would look up at the night sky and wonder to myself, if the afterlife is not there, where is it? Plus, other stuff too. But really, where is the afterlife if it is not here on earth? A truly amazing question, especially for believers of the afterlife.

So now when I look up at the sky either in the daylight or during the night sky, I ponder the same questions, but I really treasure every moment, every second, with a new sense of awareness that one day, sometime in the future, I too, will leave planet earth.

But no, I have already left planet Earth in various ways, believe it or not. You see my dear readers, when you live in a multi-dimensional state of consciousness like me, and not in a one-dimensional state of biological consciousness, you can experience a lot of different stuff that the one-dimensional people know nothing about, experience until they change the structure of their one-dimensional state of biological consciousness.

A lot of humans believe that they will turn into a state of nothingness when they die. But I know that I will not be entering a state of nothingness because I know that this thing called a biological body is not the true me, and that since I have experienced different states of consciousness already, my consciousness will either travel onward into other dimensions, or it will simply exist as a total, complete, spiritual consciousness, which I have experienced already, at least once.

But I think that people with any type of cancer do not have enough energy, without or with the chemotherapy to wonder about where they are going to go after they die, after they leave this realm of existence. Dying from stage 4 cancer is sometimes a long, slow process that involves simply knowing that your biological body is slowly or quickly being destroyed until it simply stops, like when the rain simply stops on a rainy day. Sometimes, the pouring rain will simply stop, as if there was a rain god that decided to turn off the rain switch somewhere up there in the sky.

Oh again. I actually do know what I was doing when I was dying from stage 4 cancer. I was lying in bed, in the darkness, before I was going to enter the darkness of closing my eyes forever. I was thinking about my breathing in the darkness of the room, within the darkness of the night, within the darkness of my mind. But my consciousness was already traveling up and down the ladders of consciousness. Saying good-bye to this world with so many mean people in it will be easy for me.

I have closed my own human eyes to glare into the darkness, to look into the darkness that exists when the eyes are closed, but unlike you, probably, I have traveled to places you could not believe, after decades of discovering different realms of consciousness. Trust me, there truly are different places to travel to beyond this realm of existence.

I have closed my eyes many times before I go to sleep, like all of you, but at other times I close my eyes. I let my brain’s neurons ramble around until they are happy enough to actually fall into a deep sleep, to enter either a dream world or to enter into another realm of consciousness.

There is a difference you know, or don’t know, when you enter the world of the mind, the dream world, or another realm of consciousness, a consciousness away from the human biological body. I, like most of you, probably, have had night dreams that are sort of crazy, and vivid, which is normal for the normal night sleepy dream world of the human brain. And mind. And consciousness.

Usually, I never asked to go into the other realm of dimensional consciousness. Sometimes, I am simply just there, experiencing supernatural things, that could never be experienced on earth.

But then there is the realm of travel, where the mind goes to other places, to other dimensions that cannot be seen with the human eyes and human brain. I have never seen Earth rain in other dimensional realms that cannot be seen with the human brain and eyes, but I have seen rain in this dimension, on this planet earth.

The rain, the sound of the rain, the products of the rain, bringing life to earth for billions of years for life on earth for the plants, other creatures and to human too. Other realms of existence don’t need rain for life, or for any type of life.

Where was I going to go if I actually died, if my biological body just stopped working? Where are you going to go when you stop breathing? I truly know that most of my readers might think that once they stop breathing, that is the end of them, that they will go into a state of nothingness, that their biological bodies simply become dust, into a state of nothingness, which may or may not be true for you. But your consciousness, my dear readers is something completely different. What is within your consciousness will linger on somewhere.

Oh yea, While I was dying in bed, before and after I discovered that I was dealing with stage 4 CLL cancer, as I remember it, there was a period in between the time I found out that I was had and was dealing with stage 4 CLL cancer and the moment I started taking the CLL cancer pill, Calquence.

Something happened within my mind, a psychological event sort of to speak, within my human hardwired brain or human consciousness. Or was I having a supernatural event? Or I was having a combination of a psychological/mental event, a brain event, and a supernatural event all at once, simultaneously that is!

Something was happening within my consciousness, like a multi-dimensional consciousness event. Of course, I was experiencing many different mental things all at once. My body, my brain, my mind, my consciousness. What a trippy experience.

How can it be otherwise? Can the human brain be separated from the human consciousness, or vice versa? Can a psychological event be separated from a supernatural event, or vice versa? How could the event of dying not be both psychological and supernatural? My biological body was dying, but so was my human hardwired brain too, at least to some degree. But my consciousness was still alive, working overtime to know multi-truths about life and death.

Doesn’t that happen to all humans that are dying? Doesn’t that happen to all dying living creatures that actually feel and know that they are dying? It has to happen because all living creatures know that their end is near when their bodies are being destroyed either from the inside out or from the outside in, like when a tiger is in the mouth of an alligator. Life on earth was fun until you are in the mouth of an alligator dragging you into the water to drown and be eaten alive if you are not dead already.

That guy named Jesus knew his biological body was going to die, like a lot of people, so many people, in different cultures, different periods throughout history, for different reasons. Anyway, remember the story? He died and three days later he returned back to earth with the same biological body that had died on the wood tree or cross.

What did he feel like knowing that his hand and feet were going to be nailed to some wood, after he was beaten to death, whipped to death, bleeding to death, and then he was going to hang on a cross until his death. What did he feel like? I have thought about that often too, with my own broken heart reflecting his broken heart. How about you. Can you imagine being an innocent person being hunted and then hung by nails on a cross or hanged like the black people in America’s south.

Jesus was ready to die because he had changed his human consciousness to a completely divine and spiritual consciousness before he died, so when his biological actually did stop breathing and moving, his consciousness was already transformed into a completely different state of consciousness before he died. Jesus, he did die, he was not even Jesus anymore anyway.

A lot, maybe even most Jesus followers believe that Jesus was God in the flesh, but they do not know anything about being a multi-dimensional consciousness or state of being/existence even while walking on planet Earth.

What the normal followers of all Jesus's religions never state, nor understand, is what type of consciousness Jesus had, before dying, while dying, and in the state called death, then again, afterwards? If at the exact moment that the biological Jesus died, his consciousness was still alive, but it was the spiritual Christ consciousness, not a biological state of consciousness.

I too, have been transformed away from planet Earth so many times that I have lost count. But I truly know that when my biological body actually dies or is wasted away for some reason, I have already risen myself up and out from a biological sense of identity to a complete spiritual identity. These are not only words on a piece of paper. Different states of consciousness are not words, but real states of conscious identities.

In other words, there was an actual moment in my experience of dealing with stage 4 CLL cancer when I was no longer on Earth, in a biological body, or in any type of space and time realm of existence. I was in a complete and totally isolated state of spiritual consciousness, away from this thing called my human body, away from planet Earth, away from any sense of space and time, or life and death. No doubt that the man named Jesus had the same experience and many more different experiences too.

Jesus had the same experience and I know that there have been other people who overcame their mortal, biological identity long before they died. This means that the death of their mortal biological body was long ago dead to them as an absolute identity. If you actually think and believe that your biological body of skin, bones, blood, and organs is your true spiritual, unchangeable identity that is always at one with God, Principle, Life, Truth, and Love, you would be completely wrong. And you would be dead already. But maybe one day before you actually die, you will learn it, sooner than later, that your true spiritual identity is deathless.

And that is a priceless lesson in divine and spiritual metaphysics.

Dance like no one is watching.