A Joke for Today. “Would She Believe It?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Would She Believe It?”

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he learned at Sunday school.

“Well, Mom.” said Joey.

“Our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all of the people walked across safely to the other side.”

“Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquaters for reinforcements.

They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, and destroy the enemies that were following them.  And all of the Israelites were saved.”

Joey’s mother looked down at Joey, and stared at him, as she asked him, “Now, Joey.  Is that what your teacher really taught you?

“Well, no!” replied Joey.  But if I told it to you the way the teacher said it, you’d would never believe it!”

A Joke for Today. “How Much to Enter the Gates?”

 A Joke for Today.  “How Much to Enter the Gates?”

A man died and found himself standing at the gates of St. Peter.

St. Peter himself welcomed him at the gates and said to him, “Before you enter, I need to check your record.”

(I was standing at a window at a Chinese airport, looking at the airplane to fly me back to America, when an older Chinese offical said the same thing to me.  Can you imagine that!”)

He opened the man’s file and frowned.

“Hmm, ... you weren’t exactly a perfect man.”

The man became nervious.

St. Peter continued, “But you did one very good thing during your lifetime.”

The man smiled.  “I knew there was at least one thing good I did during my lifetime.”

St. Peter said to him, “You once gave a poor old woman $0.76.” as the man smiled proudly.

“Another time, you gave a homelesss man $0.38,” as the man smiled proudly again.

St. Peter turned to the angel beside him and asked him, “What do you think we should do with him?”

The angel replied, “Give him is $1.14, and tell him to go to hell.”

A Joke for Today. “You cannot take it with you.”

 A Joke for Today.  “You cannot take it with you.”

Donna’s husband, Mike, suddenly passed away.

At the funeral home, the undertaker gently asked, “How would you like the obituary to be read?”

Donna thought for a moment and said, “Mike is Dead.”

The undertakers blinked. “That is very short.”

Donna shrugged.  “How much do obituaries cost?”

The undertaker sighed, “One dollar per word.”

She nodded, “Then that is all I need.”

The undertaker sighed again, but Mike had been his fishing buddy.

“Listen,” he said kindly, “I’ll cover a few extra words for free.  You can make it a little more personal.”

Donna’s face brightened.  “Oh, in that case.”  She smiled.

“Mike is dead. Boat for sale.”

A Joke for Today. “A Job Opening!”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Job Opening!”

A business was hiring a new assistant.

They put out ads everywhere. A couple of days later, a surprise visitor appeared at their office, a dog, holding a newspaper.  The dog pointed to the hiring ad with his paw.

The manager, though intrigued, was very skeptical and decided to challenge the dog:

“I need a someone who can use a computer.”

Without any hesitation, the dog hopped onto a desk, powered up the computer, and even printed a document.

Impress, the manager continued, “Okay, but can you work with a spreadsheet?”

The dog promptly opened up Excel, swiftly inputting data and generation graphs.

Nearly speechless, the manager had one last test: “All that is very impressive, but can you speak another language?”

The dog replied, “Meow”

A Joke for Today. “Don’t get that Ticket Wet.”

 A Joke for Today. “Don’t get that Ticket Wet.”

One day, the wife comes home with a brand new, spectacular diamond ring on her finger.

The husbands asks her, “Where did you get that ring?”

The wife replies, “My boss and I played the lottery today and we won!

So, I bought this spectacular ring with my share of the winnings.”

A week later, his wife comes home with a very long, beautiful shiny fur coat.

The husband asks, “Where did you get that long, beautiful shiny fur coat?”

She replies, “My boss and I played the lottery again, and we won, again. So, I bought it with my share of the winnings.”

Another week passes by, and of course, the wife comes home with a bigger and better prize from her lottery winnings, which was a brand new, flaming red Ferrari car.

From her share of the winnings, of course, as you already guessed.

The husband tells her that he would get the bath water ready for her.

When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bathtub to cover the bath plug.

“What the fuck is this?” asks the very go to happy wife, but not too happy now, wife who is now pissed off.

“Well,” he replies, “We don’t want to get your next fuckin lottery ticket wet, do we?

A Joke for Today. “A Very Tired Ralph.”

A Joke for Today. “A Very Tired Ralph.”

One young woman had always been taught, “Housework is a woman’s job.”

But one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find all of the children bathed, one load of laundry in the clothes washer, and another load of clothes in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove, and the table was set. She was amazed and astonished!! Double that!!

It turned out that her husband Ralph had read an article that said, “Wives who work full-time, and then had to do their own housework, were too tired to have sex.”

That night, everything went very well. The next day at work, she told her all of her office friends about it.

“We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the table, and he washed the dishes too. He cleaned the kitchen for the night. He helped the kids to do their school homework, folded all of the laundry, and he put all of the laundry away, nice and neat.”

“I really enjoyed the evening, even watched some television too.”

But her office friends asked her, “What about afterward? You know, hint, hint.”

“Oh, that, ... Ralph was too tired. He just fell asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow.”

And that ladies and gentlemen, was the end of the story. At least for that night!

A Joke for Today. “Comparing Numbers.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Comparing Numbers.”

A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning.

“My dear wife.  You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old can no longer satisfy.  I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongfully interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 19-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.”

Please don’t be upset with me, but I shall be home before midnight.”

When the man came home that night, he found the following note on the dining table.

“To my dear husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 57 years old, etc.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old.  As you know I am a math teacher at our local college.

I would also like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my math students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is very handsome especially without his clothes on.

He is also young and virile.  And, like your secretary, as a successful businessman, who also has an excellent knowledge of math.  So, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although there is one difference.

19 goes into 57 more times than 57 goes into 19. So therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

See you tomorrow, unless I change my mind!”