A Joke for Today. “One Fast Swig and Down She Fell.”

 A Joke for Today. “One Fast Swig and Down She Fell.”

One time I got sick, and I landed in a hospital room. (Way more than one time, actually.)

There was this one nurse who just drove me crazy, because every time she came into the room, she would always talk to me like I was a small child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how we doing this morning, my dearie?”

Or “Are we ready for your today’s bath time, because another nurse has prepared the warm water, my dearie?”

Or “Are we hungry enough to eat a full meal, because the cooks have been mightly busy preparing it, my dearie?”

Or "Are ready for the doctor's visit today, because he really wants to see you and check up on how you are doing today, my dearie?

That kind of crap just never stopped.

I had had enough of this particualar nurse. I was just tired of her voice too. So, I thouight up something really neat to play a joke on her, just for my own laugh and enjoyment.

After all, a hospital room can be very boring most of the time.

So, one day at breakfast, when the breakfast tray was brought into my room and it was set on the table next to my bed, I took the apple juice cup off the tray and I put it in my bedside stand, so she could not see it.

Later, she wanted me to give her a urine sample, so she give me a urine sample bottle to fill with up with my pee for testing, so she would know where the juice went! (Whatever that means.)

The nurse returned a little later to pick up the urine sample bottle, which was easy enough to do for any nurse anywhere in the world.

She looked at it, and she said to me, “My, my, my dearie. It seems we are a little cloudy today.” (Meaning my pee, that is.)

She set the urine bottle down on the table, and as soon as that urine bottle touched the table, I snatched it off the table, popped off the top, and gulped it all down my throat in one downward motion like it was a swig of whiskey, which I a lot of practice doing before that moment.

Then I said, “I’ll run it down again, just to check it better.”

The nurse fainted, ... I just smiled!”

A Joke for Today. “A Cat and Mice in Heaven.”

A Joke for Today. “A Cat and Mice in Heaven.”

A cat died and went to heaven.

God met the cat at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a very good cat all of these years, throughout your whole cat life.

Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All of my life I have lived on a farm, and I have slept on very hard, wooden floors. I would really like a really fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” And instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.

God met the mice at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, with the exact same off that He made to the cat.

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives, from cats, dogs, even from people with brooms. Plus, more catchers of mice.

If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”

God answered the 12 mice, “It is done.” All of the mice had the most beautiful little roller-skates in the world.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her flat HUGE pillow.

The cat looked a little bigger. God gently awakened the cat and asked it, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

They replied, “Oh everything is just the most WONDERFUL.”

“I have never been so happy in my life.”

My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-On-Wheels’ that you have been sending over to me are just the most delicious.”

A Joke for Today. “S.O.S. High in the Sky.”

A Joke for Today.  “S.O.S. High in the Sky.”

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 800 km/h, at 30,300 feet, when suddenly a Euro jetfighter airplane, with a Tempo Mach 2 appears out of nowhere from the clouds.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus, boring flight, isn’t it?  Now have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then he swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking nosedive.

Then he loops back next to the side of the Airbus, and asks its pilot, “Well, how was that?”

Confused, the Airbus pilot radios back, “Very nice, but watch this?”

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens.

It continues to fly straight at the same speed.  After about 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, “Well, how was that?”

Confused, the jet pilot asks, “Well, what did you do?”

The Airbus pilot laughs and answers, “I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then I got a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate fudge pastry.

The moral of the story is this: ‘When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great.  But as soon as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.’

That is called, S.O.S.: ‘Slower, Older, and Smarter!’

This is dedicated to all of my senior friends - it is time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip-feeling happy. As much as possible anyway!

A Joke for Today. “A Flashing Traffic Camera.”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Flashing Traffic Camera.”

A guy was driving down the road, when he saw the flash of a traffic camera, pointing right at his car and eyes.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit even though he knew he was speeding.

So, just to make sure the camera wasn’t for him, he decided to go around the block and pass the same traffic light even 5 miles more slowly, yet the traffic light flashed again.  “Hum.” he thought.

Now, the driver began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area one more time, only this time, 10 miles an hour slower.

But again, the traffic camera flashed in front of his car. He didn’t want to get any more tickets, but he wanted to find why the traffic camera continued to flash at his car.

Then, a fourth time the driver drove around the block to try to discover why the traffic camera was flashing at his car.  Only this time, he was driving 15 miles lower than the speed limit by now.

Yet, again, the traffic camera flashed again.  Now, the driver was getting a little angry.

But, for some unexplained reason, he started laughing because thought it was sort of funny, knowing that he could not be possibly getting flashed because of the car’s speed.

So, he was rolling pass the traffic camera at a snail’s pace, with the car barely moving.  Sure enough, the traffic camera flashed again, but the driver had enough, so off he drove away very confused.

But he wasn’t confused for long, because two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for not wearing a seat belt!

A Joke for Today. “Be Very Careful When Looking Up at Birds.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Be Very Careful When Looking Up at Birds.”

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.”

“How are you doing?  What happened to you?  You look terrible.”

“What do you mean? “ said the pirated, “ I feel fine.”  As he asked for a nice cold beer, tossing a coin on the bar.

“What about that wooden leg?” asked the bartender. “You didn’t have that before today.”

The pirate answered the bartender, “Well, we were in a terrible and horrible battle at sea.  And I got hit with a huge cannon ball, in my leg. But I am fine now.”

Bartender replied, “Ok, but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?”

“Well,” the pirate started to answer, “We were in another battle where I had to board a huge ship and I got into a sword fight with a tough young fighter.  My hand got cut off.  So therefore, I got fitted with this special hook.  I’m fine now. Really, I am just fine.  What about that beer?  What is the hold up here?”

So, the bartender picked up a clean shiny glass and he started pouring a cold beer for the pirate.

The pirate started to smile because he was really thirsty, waiting for that cold beer on his dry lips.

The bartender smiled back as he asked another curious question, “What about that eye patch?  It fits pretty good?”

As the bartender was handing over that glass of cold beer, the pirated answered the bartender again, “Oh.  One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over the ship.  I looked up to watch them and one of them shit in my eye.  It wasn’t funny at all.  A bit disgusting.” as he took a slip of the cold beer.

“You are kidding?” asked the bartender.  “You lost one eye just from one bird poop dropping down from the sky?”

The pirate grinned back at the bartender. “No, it was my very first day with the hook.”

A Joke for Today. “Would She Believe It?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Would She Believe It?”

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he learned at Sunday school.

“Well, Mom.” said Joey.

“Our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all of the people walked across safely to the other side.”

“Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquaters for reinforcements.

They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, and destroy the enemies that were following them.  And all of the Israelites were saved.”

Joey’s mother looked down at Joey, and stared at him, as she asked him, “Now, Joey.  Is that what your teacher really taught you?

“Well, no!” replied Joey.  But if I told it to you the way the teacher said it, you’d would never believe it!”

A Joke for Today. “How Much to Enter the Gates?”

 A Joke for Today.  “How Much to Enter the Gates?”

A man died and found himself standing at the gates of St. Peter.

St. Peter himself welcomed him at the gates and said to him, “Before you enter, I need to check your record.”

(I was standing at a window at a Chinese airport, looking at the airplane to fly me back to America, when an older Chinese offical said the same thing to me.  Can you imagine that!”)

He opened the man’s file and frowned.

“Hmm, ... you weren’t exactly a perfect man.”

The man became nervious.

St. Peter continued, “But you did one very good thing during your lifetime.”

The man smiled.  “I knew there was at least one thing good I did during my lifetime.”

St. Peter said to him, “You once gave a poor old woman $0.76.” as the man smiled proudly.

“Another time, you gave a homelesss man $0.38,” as the man smiled proudly again.

St. Peter turned to the angel beside him and asked him, “What do you think we should do with him?”

The angel replied, “Give him is $1.14, and tell him to go to hell.”