A Joke for Today. “Sleepy Preaching versus Scaring People to Pray.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Sleepy Preaching versus Scaring People to Pray.”

A mouthy preacher and a hard-working taxer driver arrived at the Pearly Gates of Heaven at the exact same time, looking at each other strangely.

An angel appeared at those gates and he handed the taxi driver a beautiful golden robe and gave the preacher a plain cotton colored green one, a rather dull robe indeed.

The preacher was clearly offended and he said the angel, “There must be some mistake?  I preached the word of God for forty years, and he simply drove a taxi.”

The angel smiled at him and he said, “There is no mistake here.”

The preacher frowned at the situation and he asked the angel, “What does that mean?”

The angel replied clearly to the preacher, “Whenever you preached to the people, the people fell asleep.”

Whenever he drove his taxi, everybody in the car started praying.”

A Joke for Today. “Close Enough!”

 A Joke for Today.  “Close Enough!”

A married man went to confession, and he said to the priest, “I almost had an affair with another married woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The man replied, “Well, we got naked, and rubbed our bodies together, but then we stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You are never to see that woman ever again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the donation box.”

The man left the confessional box, and said his prayers, and then he walked over to the the donation box.

He paused for a second and then he started to leave.

The priest quickly ran over to him and he yelled out, “I saw that.  You didn’t put any money in the donation box.”

The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the donation box, and according to you, that is the same as putting it in.”

A Joke for Today. “A Drunk Sees Flaming Lights.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Drunk Sees Flaming Lights.”

A Virginia State trooper pulled over a car on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line-border.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler, and that he was on his way to Beckley, WV. to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late, which he seemed to be anyway.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and he also said if the driver would do a few juggling tricks for him, then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

The Juggler told the trooper he had sent his juggling equipment ahead and he didn’t have anything to juggle.

So, the trooper said he had some flares in the trunk, and he asked the juggler if he could juggle them, as they were lit up on fire.

The juggler replied that he could juggle anything at all within reason.  So, the trooper got 5 flares out of his patrol car trunk, and then he lit them up to start a bright flaming glare.  He then handed them to the juggler.

While the juggler was juggling the bright lit up flares, a car pulled behind the patrol car and stopped.  A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out of his car.  He watched the performance very briefly, and then he slowly walked over to the patrol car, he opened the rear door and enter the patrol car.

The trooper observed him, and he walked over to his patrol car, he opened the door, and he asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk yelled out the door, “You might as well take my ass to jail, because there is no way in hell, or on earth I can pass that test!”

How I saw a human being walk on the moon. In 1969,

 

A Joke for Today. “Who is the Mightiest?”

A Joke for Today. “Who is the Mightiest?”

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared out loud, “Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!”

Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellows out loud, “Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, “Oh, you are the mightiest animal in all of the jungle.”

Since the lion was on a roll, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?”

Fast as lighting, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, leaving the lion feeling like it had been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion until it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts up his head very weakly, and it hollers out at the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to be so upset about it.”

A Joke for Today. “Does the Ex-Husband Know How to Spell?”

 A Joke for Today. “Does the Ex-Husband Know How to Spell?”

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven one day after she died.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she was peeking through the holy heavenly gates. There, she saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around that beautiful banquet table was her parents and all of the other people who loved her and who she loved too, and who had died before her too early of a death she believed.

They saw her and they started calling out all sorts of greetings to her like, “Hello. How are you? We have been waiting for you. Good to see you! Etc.”

When Saint Peter came by to see her, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

Saint Peter replied, “You have to spell a word.”

“What word?” she asked.

Saint Peter answered her, “LOVE.”

She knew that was very easy. “L O V E.”

So, Saint Peter welcomed her into the Pearly Gate of Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman, and he asked her to watch the Pearly Gates of Heaven for a short period of time.

While the woman was watching the Pearly Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived, so she said to him, “I’m surprised to see you here.”

He replied to her, “Oh yes. Well, I have been doing pretty good since you died.”

He continued, “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you when you were sick. And I won the multi-state lottery, so I sold that little house you and I lived in and then I bought a huge mansion to live in. Very big indeed. And my wife and I have traveled all around the globe, visiting all sorts of very cool places, eating great food, seeing the sites, and of course, listening to great music from all around the world while we drank wine and danced to music.”

“We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head hard, and here I am today. What a bummer! How do I get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven?”

His ex-wife replied to him, “You have to spell a word.”

The ex-husband asked her, “What word?”

She smiled at him, with her eyes wide open. “Czechoslovakia!”

A Joke for Today. “The Hand of God, Or ...”

A Joke for Today. “The Hand of God, Or ...”

A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a windy storm.

As the night went by, no cars passed him. The storm was so strong, that he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. He had been drinking at a bar in a very small, teeny, tiny town, so he was a bit drunk, but he still has some of his wits about him.

Suddenly, he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the car door, only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started moving slowly ahead. By this time in the windy, dark storm, the guy couldn’t see anything because it was so foggy, inside and outside the car.

The guy looked at the road and he barely saw a curve coming his way. Scared for his life, he started praying, and begging for his life not to end because he thought he was going to die falling off the cliff.

He hadn’t come out of shock yet, when just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

Once the car had slowed down enough, the guy gathered his strength, opened the door and jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town, as the car slowly creep forward with no driver in the drivers seat.

Wet and in shock, he ran into the nearest bar and asked for two shots of tequila. He started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through with the car moving without a driver through the darkness of the night, in the horrible storm where he couldn’t see except barely a few feet in from of him.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized that the guy was crying and he wasn’t really that drunk, but he ordered a beer anyway just to cool himself off of the fear he was possessed with being in a scene from a horror movie.

About a half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, sat down and ordered a beer.

One guy said to the other guy, “Look Bubba. That is the jerk who climbed into the car while we were pushing it!”