A Joke for Today. “The Math Classroom and the Cross.”

 A Joke for Today.  “The Math Classroom and the Cross.”

Little Billy was a no good, lazy student, and he was failing math, reading, and writing miserably,  especailly the math class.

His parents had enough of his no good, lazy attitude, so they pull him out of the public school.

Instead, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school, where nuns ruled the school.

After his very first day in the local Catholic school, Billy went home without saying a single word.

He went straight to his bedroom to do his math homework, and his reading and writing too.

He stayed there, studying math, reading his book, and writing essays too.

A few days later, his parents finally asked him, Billy, “What happened?  You are reading and writing, and studying so hard, even studying the mathematics?”

Billy simply replied, “When I walked into the math classroom on Monday, I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign above the blackboard, ... I knew they weren’t messing around with this studying stuff.”

An OH No moment.

 

A Joke for Today. “A Dog Being Pushed Home.”

 A Joke for Today.   “A Dog Being Pushed Home.”

A little girl asks her mom, “Mom, can I take the dog around the block?”

“No.” responds her mom, “Because the dog is in heat.”

“What does that mean? asked the child girl.

“Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage.”

So, the girl walks to the garage, where she finds her dad working on the car.

She asks, “‘Dad, can I take Lulu out for a walk around the block?  I asked mom, but she said no because the dog is in heat, so she told me to ask you what you think about it.”

Being a nice dad to her little girl, the dad takes a rag, soaks it in some gasoline, and he rubs it on the backside of the dog to disguise the heat scent.

He tells her, “Ok, you can go now with Lulu around the block, but be careful.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later without a dog on the leash.  Surprised, the dad asks his little girl, “Where is Lulu?”

The little girl looks a bit confused as she states to her dad, “She ran out of gasoline about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home!”

A Joke for Today. “A Drunk Almost Passes the Bar Test for Free Beer for Life.”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Drunk Almost Passes the Bar Test for Free Beer for Life.”

A man walks into a bar, and he sees a sign that says, “Free Beer for Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”

He walks over to the bartender and says, “I see that sign on the wall.  What is this test you have here to get free beer for life?”

The bartender says, “Well, first you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila.

Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator.

Next, and finally, we have a girl upstairs who has never slept with a man; and you got to make things right with her.”

Laughing the man exclaims, “Well, that sounds like the stupidest test I have ever heard of!”

He leaves to get drunk with his friends.  Later that night, the man returns to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk.

He says to the bartender, “Ok bartender! Let me do that test!”

The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging that pepper tequila down his throat.

Teary eyes and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon of pepper tequila and slams the empty gallon jug on the counter.  Happy and drunk as hell.

Stunned, the bartender leads him to the back to the alligator.  A few minutes goes by, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back inside the bar.

His shirt is torn up, and his body is bleeding horribly and profusely, with cuts all over his body from the alligator.

He stares at the bartender and he says to him, “Ok, bartender, where is the girl with the sore tooth?”

A Joke for Today. “A Nun and 1,400 Men.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Nun and 1,400 Men.”

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they all are met by St. Peter.

He says to them, “Sister, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren.” and poof she is gone.

The second nun says, “I want to be Madonna.” and poof she is gone too.

The third nun says, I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?”

“Sars Pipalini.” she replies.

St. Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name doesn’t ring a bell.”

Then the nun takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the newspaper and starts laughing.

“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

A Joke for Today. “A New Hat and An Old Butt.”

 A Joke for Today. “A New Hat and An Old Butt.”

An very old woman is standing on a cruise ship, hold onto the rail, so she doesn’t fall over board.

She is also holding onto her hat tightly with the other hand because of the wind, so it doesn’t fall overboard into the water, and simply blow away onto the ocean’s waters.

A gentleman walks up to her and say, “Pardon me ma’am, I don’t mean to be rude, but did you know that your dress is blowing up into the wind?”

She turns her head around to see him with the response, “Yes, I know that, without letting go of her hat.”

“I need both hands to hold onto this hat and the rail.” she says to him.

He replies, “But ma’am,” the old man insists, blushing, “You are aren’t wearing any underwear, and your private parts are completely exposed!”

The very old lady looks down at her bottom, and she looks back at him and sighs, “Listen, mister. Anything down there is 85 years old. But I just bought this hat yesterday.”

A Joke for Today. "A Lady and Car Noise.”

 A Joke for Today.  "A Lady and Car Noise.”

A woman goes to a car repair garage because her car keeps making a strange noise.

The mechanic starts the engine.

Mechanic: “Hmm. ... He listens very carefully.

The woman says, “Is it serious?

Mechanic: I’m not sure yet.”

He opens up the hood, checks a few things, and then he gets underneath the car.  After about ten minutes, he comes back out from underneath the car.

The woman asks, “Well, is it serious?”

The mechanic wipes his hands off with some soap and water and says, “I found the problem.”

The woman replies, “How much will it cost?”

The mechanic looks at her and replies, “Nothing at all.”

The woman looks shocked, as she asks, “Nothing?

“Yep.” replies the mechanic.

‘Nothing?” asks the woman.

The mechanic says, “Yep.Woman asks, “So what was wrong?”

The mechanic points to towards the driver’s seat, as he states, “Your phone was sitting in the cup holder, and every time you turned left, it vibrated against the dashboard.”

The woman stares at him; and says out loud, “You’re telling me that I drove 40 minutes to a mechanic because my PHONE was making the noise?”

The mechanic nods, “Yes.”

She laughs awkwardly.  “Please, don’t tell my husband.”

The mechanic smiles at her as he replies, “Don’t worry.  I am a mechanic, not a divorce attorney!”