A Joke for Today. “A New Hat and An Old Butt.”

 A Joke for Today. “A New Hat and An Old Butt.”

An very old woman is standing on a cruise ship, hold onto the rail, so she doesn’t fall over board.

She is also holding onto her hat tightly with the other hand because of the wind, so it doesn’t fall overboard into the water, and simply blow away onto the ocean’s waters.

A gentleman walks up to her and say, “Pardon me ma’am, I don’t mean to be rude, but did you know that your dress is blowing up into the wind?”

She turns her head around to see him with the response, “Yes, I know that, without letting go of her hat.”

“I need both hands to hold onto this hat and the rail.” she says to him.

He replies, “But ma’am,” the old man insists, blushing, “You are aren’t wearing any underwear, and your private parts are completely exposed!”

The very old lady looks down at her bottom, and she looks back at him and sighs, “Listen, mister. Anything down there is 85 years old. But I just bought this hat yesterday.”

A Joke for Today. "A Lady and Car Noise.”

 A Joke for Today.  "A Lady and Car Noise.”

A woman goes to a car repair garage because her car keeps making a strange noise.

The mechanic starts the engine.

Mechanic: “Hmm. ... He listens very carefully.

The woman says, “Is it serious?

Mechanic: I’m not sure yet.”

He opens up the hood, checks a few things, and then he gets underneath the car.  After about ten minutes, he comes back out from underneath the car.

The woman asks, “Well, is it serious?”

The mechanic wipes his hands off with some soap and water and says, “I found the problem.”

The woman replies, “How much will it cost?”

The mechanic looks at her and replies, “Nothing at all.”

The woman looks shocked, as she asks, “Nothing?

“Yep.” replies the mechanic.

‘Nothing?” asks the woman.

The mechanic says, “Yep.Woman asks, “So what was wrong?”

The mechanic points to towards the driver’s seat, as he states, “Your phone was sitting in the cup holder, and every time you turned left, it vibrated against the dashboard.”

The woman stares at him; and says out loud, “You’re telling me that I drove 40 minutes to a mechanic because my PHONE was making the noise?”

The mechanic nods, “Yes.”

She laughs awkwardly.  “Please, don’t tell my husband.”

The mechanic smiles at her as he replies, “Don’t worry.  I am a mechanic, not a divorce attorney!”

A Joke for Today. “To Fly in the Heavens or Pray like Hell.”

 A Joke for Today.  “To Fly in the Heavens or Pray like Hell.”

A young blonde pilot was in her first flying airplane lesson in a two-seater airplane, like a Cessna 152.

Her airplane instructor was explaining how to land the airplane in case of an emergency, when all of a sudden, he gets a heart attack and dies right there in the airplane next to her; to her amazement, of course.

So, of course, she calls it in, “May day!  May day! Help me! Help me! My airplane instructor just died, is dead and I don’t know how to fly or land the airplane. (Flying an airplane is easy.  Landing not so easy, esp. in windy and bad weather.)

She hears a voice over the radio saying, “This is Air Traffic control.  We hear you loud and clear.  I will talk you down to get you out of this; and get you back on the ground safely. ...

I have had a lot of experiences with this kind of problem.  Are you ready to follow my instructions?

Now, just take a very deep breath.  Everything will be just fine!  Give me your height and positions.”

The blonde replies, “I’m 5'7 and I am in the front seat.”

(After a very long pause.)

“OK. Says the voice on the radio ..... “Now repeat after me, ..... Our Father Who art in heaven,”

(Here is the full version below.)  The Lord's Prayer.

Our Father, who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.

Amen.

A Joke for Today. ‘20 Years. Either - Or!’

A Joke for Today. ‘20 Years. Either - Or!’

A woman awakes in the middle of the night only to find her husband is not in bed with her. What he says to her when she finds him is absolutely hilarious.

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find out that he is not in bed with her, so she puts on her night robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa with a pinch of liquor in front of him.

He appears to be in very deep thought, just staring at the wall.

“What is the matter, dear?” she whispers to him as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband picks up his drink, and he says to her, “It is the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”

She cannot believe he has remembered continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating? I was 18 years old and you were only 15 years old when we started dating.” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive to the memory. “Yes, I do.” She replies.

The husband pauses, the words not coming very easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back of my car seat, fooling around?”

“Yes, I do remember that very special and fun moment.” said the wife, lowering herself into a leather chair next to him.

The husband continued, “Do you remembered when he shoved that shotgun in my face and yelled out at me, “Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison.”

With her eyes wide open, she replies, “Of course, I remember that moment. Dad was so mad his face was red like the devil's.”

The husband sighed as he wiped away another tear away from his cheek, as he stated, “I would have gotten out today!”

A Joke for Today. “The Rooster is Awaiting.”

 A Joke for Today.  “The Rooster is Awaiting.”

A very old, little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says to her, “Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can not figure out how to get it started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it is finished?”

The old lady replies, “Well, according to the picture on the box, it is supposed to a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the old lady’s jigsaw puzzle.

The old lady lets her neighbor into her house and shows him where she has the puzzle set up and how it is spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box for a moment.  Then he looks at the box, and he turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her by the hand and says,

“Secondly, I want you to relax,” and he says, “Let us have a nice cup of tea,” and then, he says with a very deep sigh, he continues, “Let us put all of the Corn Flakes back into the box.”

As with a few swipes of his hand, he pushed the Corn Flakes back into the cereal box.

So much for a puzzle of a rooster!

A Joke for Today. “Someone Needs a New Lawnmower.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Someone Needs a New Lawnmower.” 

At a neighborhood yard sale down the street, Grandpa Earl is inspecting an old, rusted out lawn mower while Grandms Barb hovers over a table of costume jewelry.

Grandpa Earl says to Barb, “Look at this antique Briggs & Stratton lawnmower! The owner wants $15 for it.  I bet I can talk him down to $3 and a half-pack of mints for it.”

Grandma Barb replies, “Earl, that is not a yard sale item.  That is the owner’s actual lawnmower. He was just mowing the grass, and he went inside to use the bathroom.”

Grandpa Earl says to her, “Nonsense, Barb!  It is sitting on the grass near the driveway with everything else.  Everything on the grass is fair game!”

So, Earl pulls out of his pocket three old, crumpled one-dollar bills and leaves them on the table next to the lawnmower.

Grandma Barb yells out, “Earl, he left the engine running.”

Grandpa Earl replies to her, “That just means it is pre-heated, Barb.  It is a bonus feature.”

Earl grabs the lawnmower’s handles, and he starts pushing the running lawnmower down the street on the sidewalk towards his own house.

The neighbor sees what is happening from his window and jumps out the front door of his house with a sandwich in his hand yelling out loud, “HEY!  SIR! THAT IS MY LAWNMOWER. IT IS NOT FOR SALE.”

Grandma Barb turns her head over her shoulder towards the neighbor and yells back to him, as she trots behind Earl;

“NO REFUNDS, STEVE! ALL SALES ARE FINAL!  TAKE IT UP WITH OUR LAWYER!”

A Joke for Today. “Walking Home from School.”

A Joke for Today.  “Walking Home from School.”

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and who were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.

They walked down the street to their old school.

There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they had shared and where he had carved the words, “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet.

She quickly picks it up, but they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it is fify-thousand dollars.

The husband says to her, “We have to give it back.”

She replies, “Finders Keepers.” as she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and then they show up at their home.

They knock on their front door and say, “Pardon us, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

The wife says, “NO!”

The husband says, “She is lying.  She hid it up in the attic.”

She says, “Don’t believe him, he is getting senile.”

But the agents sit the man down and began to question him.

One FBI agent says to the husband, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ... “

One FBI agent looks at the other FBI agent and says, “Let us get out of here!”