A Joke for Today. “Does the Ex-Husband Know How to Spell?”

 A Joke for Today. “Does the Ex-Husband Know How to Spell?”

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven one day after she died.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she was peeking through the holy heavenly gates. There, she saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around that beautiful banquet table was her parents and all of the other people who loved her and who she loved too, and who had died before her too early of a death she believed.

They saw her and they started calling out all sorts of greetings to her like, “Hello. How are you? We have been waiting for you. Good to see you! Etc.”

When Saint Peter came by to see her, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

Saint Peter replied, “You have to spell a word.”

“What word?” she asked.

Saint Peter answered her, “LOVE.”

She knew that was very easy. “L O V E.”

So, Saint Peter welcomed her into the Pearly Gate of Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman, and he asked her to watch the Pearly Gates of Heaven for a short period of time.

While the woman was watching the Pearly Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived, so she said to him, “I’m surprised to see you here.”

He replied to her, “Oh yes. Well, I have been doing pretty good since you died.”

He continued, “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you when you were sick. And I won the multi-state lottery, so I sold that little house you and I lived in and then I bought a huge mansion to live in. Very big indeed. And my wife and I have traveled all around the globe, visiting all sorts of very cool places, eating great food, seeing the sites, and of course, listening to great music from all around the world while we drank wine and danced to music.”

“We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head hard, and here I am today. What a bummer! How do I get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven?”

His ex-wife replied to him, “You have to spell a word.”

The ex-husband asked her, “What word?”

She smiled at him, with her eyes wide open. “Czechoslovakia!”

A Joke for Today. “The Hand of God, Or ...”

A Joke for Today. “The Hand of God, Or ...”

A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a windy storm.

As the night went by, no cars passed him. The storm was so strong, that he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. He had been drinking at a bar in a very small, teeny, tiny town, so he was a bit drunk, but he still has some of his wits about him.

Suddenly, he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the car door, only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started moving slowly ahead. By this time in the windy, dark storm, the guy couldn’t see anything because it was so foggy, inside and outside the car.

The guy looked at the road and he barely saw a curve coming his way. Scared for his life, he started praying, and begging for his life not to end because he thought he was going to die falling off the cliff.

He hadn’t come out of shock yet, when just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

Once the car had slowed down enough, the guy gathered his strength, opened the door and jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town, as the car slowly creep forward with no driver in the drivers seat.

Wet and in shock, he ran into the nearest bar and asked for two shots of tequila. He started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through with the car moving without a driver through the darkness of the night, in the horrible storm where he couldn’t see except barely a few feet in from of him.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized that the guy was crying and he wasn’t really that drunk, but he ordered a beer anyway just to cool himself off of the fear he was possessed with being in a scene from a horror movie.

About a half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, sat down and ordered a beer.

One guy said to the other guy, “Look Bubba. That is the jerk who climbed into the car while we were pushing it!”

A Joke for Today. “A Very Tired Dog!”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Very Tired Dog!”

An old, tired looking dog wandered into a backyard.  The owner of the backyard could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of in general.

The dog calmly went over to the owner, and the owner gave the dog a few pats on his head. The dog then followed the houseowner, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and it fell asleep.

An hour later, the dog went to the door, so the houseowner let it outside.

The next day the dog had returned, and it greeted the houseowner in the backyard again, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and it slept again for about an hour.

That continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, the houseowner pinned a note to the dog’s collar, “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask this person if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The very next day the dog arrived for his nap in the house-owner’s hallway, with a different note pinned to his collar.

“He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age 3.  He is trying to catch up on his sleep.  Can I come with him tomorrow!”

A Joke for Today. “A Blond with Crabs.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Blond with Crabs.”

So, a lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs.

He asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him during the flight.

She took the box of crabs and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them to stay frozen; mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and then he basically threaten her about what would happen to her if she let them completely thaw out, even though she was helping him out and being very nice to the guy, or the jerk, if you will.

Shortly before the airplane landing in New York, she picked up the airplane’s intercom mouthpiece to announce to the entire cabin, meaning to everyone on the airplane, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand high in the air towards the above storage units?”

Not one hand up rose high in the air towards the storage units, ... so she took the box of crabs home with her and ate them.

There are two lessons here.

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are!

2. Blonds aren’t as dumb as people say they are!

A Joke for Today. “Three In One.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Three In One.”

A man came home unexpectedly very early from work one day and he walked straight into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man.  (A common event it seems - man working, wife cheating.)

Enraged, the husband pulled out a pair of revolvers and challenged the lover to a classic gentlemen’s duel: whoever survives the shootout would keep the very horny wife.

The lover agreed, and to spare the wife from witnessing the bloodshed, the two men stepped into the adjacent study.

Once the door was closed tight, the husband whispered, “Look.  Why should either of us actually die over this very horny wife of mine.

Why not fire two bullets straight into the ceiling and drop to the floor like we are dead.  When she rushes into the study room, whichever one of us she runs to first and weeps over gets to keep her for good.”

The lover nodded in agreement.  So, off goes the guns.  BANG! BANG!

The shots rang out, and both men threw themselves onto the hardwood floor, their eyes closed, playing dead.

Moments later, the wife threw the door open, peered at the two motionless bodies sprawled across the floor, and turned back toward the hallway closet with a sigh of relief, as she yelled out down the hallway, 

“Honey. You can come out now. They are both dead!”

A Joke for Today. “A Human versus A Bull.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Human versus A Bull.”

A husband and wife were visiting a country fair and they stopped by the cattle section.

At the very first stall, a sign read: “This bull bred 50 times last year.”

The wife smiled and nudged her husband, and said, “See? 50 times a year.”

At the second stall, the sign read: “This bull bred 150 times last year.”

The wife laughed even louder the second time and said to her husband. “Wow! You sure could learn something from him.”

He wasn’t happy about that statement either, but he said nothing at all.

At the third stall, the sign proudly read: “This bull bred 365 times last year.”

The wife looked at her husband and said, “Once a day for a whole year. Amazing. Isn’t it?”

The husband finally smiled and calmly replied, “Go ask if it was from the same old cow every time.”

A Joke for Today. “A 12-Inch What?”

A Joke for Today. “A 12-Inch What?”

A man with a box walks into a bar and he sits down on a bar stool.

He starts to order a drink, but he seems a bit distressed for some unknown reason.

“What is in the box?” asks the bartender.

“Ugh, just get me a very strong drink.” says the grumbling man.

The bartender says, “Show me what is in the box, and the next drink is free, on the house.”

The man nods as he places the box on the bar. He takes out a small piano and puts it on the bar top.

Then, a very small man about a foot tall come out of the box and he starts playing the most beautiful music in the world, most beautiful he has ever heard in his life. (Which isn’t saying much. Probably!)

Anyway, the bartender asks the man slowly drinking his drink, “Where did you get that box and the 12 inch tall man?”

The drinking man replies, “There is a genie outside granting wishes, but....”

Before he can finish his statement to answer the question, the bartender runs outside. He sees the genie, and yells, “I wish for a million bucks!”

After a puff of smoke, there are a million ducks walking inside and outside the bar all quacking simultaneously.

The bartender runs back inside the bar and yells out to the drinking man, “Hey, you didn’t tell me that the genie was hard of hearing!”

The drinking guy turns around very slowly with his eyes beaming at the bartender, as he sadly said to him, “Did you really think that I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”