A Joke for Today. “To Fly in the Heavens or Pray like Hell.”

 A Joke for Today.  “To Fly in the Heavens or Pray like Hell.”

A young blonde pilot was in her first flying airplane lesson in a two-seater airplane, like a Cessna 152.

Her airplane instructor was explaining how to land the airplane in case of an emergency, when all of a sudden, he gets a heart attack and dies right there in the airplane next to her; to her amazement, of course.

So, of course, she calls it in, “May day!  May day! Help me! Help me! My airplane instructor just died, is dead and I don’t know how to fly or land the airplane. (Flying an airplane is easy.  Landing not so easy, esp. in windy and bad weather.)

She hears a voice over the radio saying, “This is Air Traffic control.  We hear you loud and clear.  I will talk you down to get you out of this; and get you back on the ground safely. ...

I have had a lot of experiences with this kind of problem.  Are you ready to follow my instructions?

Now, just take a very deep breath.  Everything will be just fine!  Give me your height and positions.”

The blonde replies, “I’m 5'7 and I am in the front seat.”

(After a very long pause.)

“OK. Says the voice on the radio ..... “Now repeat after me, ..... Our Father Who art in heaven,”

(Here is the full version below.)  The Lord's Prayer.

Our Father, who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.

Amen.

A Joke for Today. ‘20 Years. Either - Or!’

A Joke for Today. ‘20 Years. Either - Or!’

A woman awakes in the middle of the night only to find her husband is not in bed with her. What he says to her when she finds him is absolutely hilarious.

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find out that he is not in bed with her, so she puts on her night robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa with a pinch of liquor in front of him.

He appears to be in very deep thought, just staring at the wall.

“What is the matter, dear?” she whispers to him as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband picks up his drink, and he says to her, “It is the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”

She cannot believe he has remembered continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating? I was 18 years old and you were only 15 years old when we started dating.” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive to the memory. “Yes, I do.” She replies.

The husband pauses, the words not coming very easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back of my car seat, fooling around?”

“Yes, I do remember that very special and fun moment.” said the wife, lowering herself into a leather chair next to him.

The husband continued, “Do you remembered when he shoved that shotgun in my face and yelled out at me, “Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison.”

With her eyes wide open, she replies, “Of course, I remember that moment. Dad was so mad his face was red like the devil's.”

The husband sighed as he wiped away another tear away from his cheek, as he stated, “I would have gotten out today!”

A Joke for Today. “The Rooster is Awaiting.”

 A Joke for Today.  “The Rooster is Awaiting.”

A very old, little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says to her, “Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can not figure out how to get it started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it is finished?”

The old lady replies, “Well, according to the picture on the box, it is supposed to a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the old lady’s jigsaw puzzle.

The old lady lets her neighbor into her house and shows him where she has the puzzle set up and how it is spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box for a moment.  Then he looks at the box, and he turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her by the hand and says,

“Secondly, I want you to relax,” and he says, “Let us have a nice cup of tea,” and then, he says with a very deep sigh, he continues, “Let us put all of the Corn Flakes back into the box.”

As with a few swipes of his hand, he pushed the Corn Flakes back into the cereal box.

So much for a puzzle of a rooster!

A Joke for Today. “Someone Needs a New Lawnmower.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Someone Needs a New Lawnmower.” 

At a neighborhood yard sale down the street, Grandpa Earl is inspecting an old, rusted out lawn mower while Grandms Barb hovers over a table of costume jewelry.

Grandpa Earl says to Barb, “Look at this antique Briggs & Stratton lawnmower! The owner wants $15 for it.  I bet I can talk him down to $3 and a half-pack of mints for it.”

Grandma Barb replies, “Earl, that is not a yard sale item.  That is the owner’s actual lawnmower. He was just mowing the grass, and he went inside to use the bathroom.”

Grandpa Earl says to her, “Nonsense, Barb!  It is sitting on the grass near the driveway with everything else.  Everything on the grass is fair game!”

So, Earl pulls out of his pocket three old, crumpled one-dollar bills and leaves them on the table next to the lawnmower.

Grandma Barb yells out, “Earl, he left the engine running.”

Grandpa Earl replies to her, “That just means it is pre-heated, Barb.  It is a bonus feature.”

Earl grabs the lawnmower’s handles, and he starts pushing the running lawnmower down the street on the sidewalk towards his own house.

The neighbor sees what is happening from his window and jumps out the front door of his house with a sandwich in his hand yelling out loud, “HEY!  SIR! THAT IS MY LAWNMOWER. IT IS NOT FOR SALE.”

Grandma Barb turns her head over her shoulder towards the neighbor and yells back to him, as she trots behind Earl;

“NO REFUNDS, STEVE! ALL SALES ARE FINAL!  TAKE IT UP WITH OUR LAWYER!”

A Joke for Today. “Walking Home from School.”

A Joke for Today.  “Walking Home from School.”

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and who were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.

They walked down the street to their old school.

There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they had shared and where he had carved the words, “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet.

She quickly picks it up, but they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it is fify-thousand dollars.

The husband says to her, “We have to give it back.”

She replies, “Finders Keepers.” as she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and then they show up at their home.

They knock on their front door and say, “Pardon us, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

The wife says, “NO!”

The husband says, “She is lying.  She hid it up in the attic.”

She says, “Don’t believe him, he is getting senile.”

But the agents sit the man down and began to question him.

One FBI agent says to the husband, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ... “

One FBI agent looks at the other FBI agent and says, “Let us get out of here!”

A Joke for Today. “That Poor Old Grandmother.”

A Joke for Today.  “That Poor Old Grandmother.”

A husband and a wife were all dressed up and ready for a lovely evening out - dinner and a show.

Having been burglarized before, they left a light on and put the cat out in the backyard.

When the Uber arrived, they stepped outside, ... but their chunky cat slipped back into the house and ran upstairs.

Since the cat loves chasing the parakeet, the husband ran back inside to grab the cat and put her back outside.

Not wanting the driver to think the house would be empty all night, the wife said to the Uber driver, “My husband is saying good-night to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband jumped back into the car, all flustered, out of breath, and a bit hugging and puffing.

He said, “Sorry that took so long, but that stupid old girl was hiding under the bed, so I had to poke her with a stick, and then a coat hanger to get her out from under the bed. Then, she tried to run, so I grabbed her, wrapped a blanket around her so she would not scratch me like she did the last time.”

“I then dragged her downstairs and tossed her into the backyard.  She better not crap in the vegetable garden again.”

The silence in the Uber was deafening, as the wife looked in the mirror to glance at the expression on the Uber driver’s face, holding back her own laughter.

A Joke for Today. ‘The Pharmacist!’

 A Joke for Today.  ‘The Pharmacist!’

A young man walked into a neighborhood pharmacy to pick up some condoms.

The pharmacist behind the counter explained, “They come in pack of 3,9, or12.  Which size would you like them in today?”

The young guy puffed out his chest and smiled smugly, “Well, I have been dating this gorgeous girl for a couple of months now, and tonight is the big night.  I am having dinner with her parents first, and then we’re hitting the town later.  I got this great feeling I am getting lucky tonight, and frankly, once she gets a taste of me, she won’t be able to get enough of it.  So, better make it a 12 pack.”

He paid for his purchase and then he swaggered out the door.

The evening, when he arrived at his girlfriend’s home, he took a seat at the dining room table across from her parents.  Before eating, he politely volunteered to say grace over the meal.  The parents gladly bowed their heads to pray for their blessings.

The young man closed his eyes, clutched his hands tightly together, and he began praying.

Five minutes went by, ... then ten minutes went by.  He kept praying and praying, with his head so low his forehead was nearly resting on the tablecloth, as he was sweating bullets.

Finally, the girlfriend leaned in very close to him and she whispered under her breath, “Sweatheart, you never told me you were such a devout religious man!”

Without lifting his head a single inch, he whispered back.

“You never told me that your dad was the pharmacist!”