A Joke for Today. “A Drunk Almost Passes the Bar Test for Free Beer for Life.”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Drunk Almost Passes the Bar Test for Free Beer for Life.”

A man walks into a bar, and he sees a sign that says, “Free Beer for Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”

He walks over to the bartender and says, “I see that sign on the wall.  What is this test you have here to get free beer for life?”

The bartender says, “Well, first you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila.

Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator.

Next, and finally, we have a girl upstairs who has never slept with a man; and you got to make things right with her.”

Laughing the man exclaims, “Well, that sounds like the stupidest test I have ever heard of!”

He leaves to get drunk with his friends.  Later that night, the man returns to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk.

He says to the bartender, “Ok bartender! Let me do that test!”

The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging that pepper tequila down his throat.

Teary eyes and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon of pepper tequila and slams the empty gallon jug on the counter.  Happy and drunk as hell.

Stunned, the bartender leads him to the back to the alligator.  A few minutes goes by, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back inside the bar.

His shirt is torn up, and his body is bleeding horribly and profusely, with cuts all over his body from the alligator.

He stares at the bartender and he says to him, “Ok, bartender, where is the girl with the sore tooth?”

A Joke for Today. “A Nun and 1,400 Men.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Nun and 1,400 Men.”

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they all are met by St. Peter.

He says to them, “Sister, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren.” and poof she is gone.

The second nun says, “I want to be Madonna.” and poof she is gone too.

The third nun says, I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?”

“Sars Pipalini.” she replies.

St. Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name doesn’t ring a bell.”

Then the nun takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the newspaper and starts laughing.

“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

A Joke for Today. “A New Hat and An Old Butt.”

 A Joke for Today. “A New Hat and An Old Butt.”

An very old woman is standing on a cruise ship, hold onto the rail, so she doesn’t fall over board.

She is also holding onto her hat tightly with the other hand because of the wind, so it doesn’t fall overboard into the water, and simply blow away onto the ocean’s waters.

A gentleman walks up to her and say, “Pardon me ma’am, I don’t mean to be rude, but did you know that your dress is blowing up into the wind?”

She turns her head around to see him with the response, “Yes, I know that, without letting go of her hat.”

“I need both hands to hold onto this hat and the rail.” she says to him.

He replies, “But ma’am,” the old man insists, blushing, “You are aren’t wearing any underwear, and your private parts are completely exposed!”

The very old lady looks down at her bottom, and she looks back at him and sighs, “Listen, mister. Anything down there is 85 years old. But I just bought this hat yesterday.”

A Joke for Today. "A Lady and Car Noise.”

 A Joke for Today.  "A Lady and Car Noise.”

A woman goes to a car repair garage because her car keeps making a strange noise.

The mechanic starts the engine.

Mechanic: “Hmm. ... He listens very carefully.

The woman says, “Is it serious?

Mechanic: I’m not sure yet.”

He opens up the hood, checks a few things, and then he gets underneath the car.  After about ten minutes, he comes back out from underneath the car.

The woman asks, “Well, is it serious?”

The mechanic wipes his hands off with some soap and water and says, “I found the problem.”

The woman replies, “How much will it cost?”

The mechanic looks at her and replies, “Nothing at all.”

The woman looks shocked, as she asks, “Nothing?

“Yep.” replies the mechanic.

‘Nothing?” asks the woman.

The mechanic says, “Yep.Woman asks, “So what was wrong?”

The mechanic points to towards the driver’s seat, as he states, “Your phone was sitting in the cup holder, and every time you turned left, it vibrated against the dashboard.”

The woman stares at him; and says out loud, “You’re telling me that I drove 40 minutes to a mechanic because my PHONE was making the noise?”

The mechanic nods, “Yes.”

She laughs awkwardly.  “Please, don’t tell my husband.”

The mechanic smiles at her as he replies, “Don’t worry.  I am a mechanic, not a divorce attorney!”

A Joke for Today. “To Fly in the Heavens or Pray like Hell.”

 A Joke for Today.  “To Fly in the Heavens or Pray like Hell.”

A young blonde pilot was in her first flying airplane lesson in a two-seater airplane, like a Cessna 152.

Her airplane instructor was explaining how to land the airplane in case of an emergency, when all of a sudden, he gets a heart attack and dies right there in the airplane next to her; to her amazement, of course.

So, of course, she calls it in, “May day!  May day! Help me! Help me! My airplane instructor just died, is dead and I don’t know how to fly or land the airplane. (Flying an airplane is easy.  Landing not so easy, esp. in windy and bad weather.)

She hears a voice over the radio saying, “This is Air Traffic control.  We hear you loud and clear.  I will talk you down to get you out of this; and get you back on the ground safely. ...

I have had a lot of experiences with this kind of problem.  Are you ready to follow my instructions?

Now, just take a very deep breath.  Everything will be just fine!  Give me your height and positions.”

The blonde replies, “I’m 5'7 and I am in the front seat.”

(After a very long pause.)

“OK. Says the voice on the radio ..... “Now repeat after me, ..... Our Father Who art in heaven,”

(Here is the full version below.)  The Lord's Prayer.

Our Father, who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.

Amen.

A Joke for Today. ‘20 Years. Either - Or!’

A Joke for Today. ‘20 Years. Either - Or!’

A woman awakes in the middle of the night only to find her husband is not in bed with her. What he says to her when she finds him is absolutely hilarious.

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find out that he is not in bed with her, so she puts on her night robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa with a pinch of liquor in front of him.

He appears to be in very deep thought, just staring at the wall.

“What is the matter, dear?” she whispers to him as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband picks up his drink, and he says to her, “It is the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”

She cannot believe he has remembered continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating? I was 18 years old and you were only 15 years old when we started dating.” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive to the memory. “Yes, I do.” She replies.

The husband pauses, the words not coming very easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back of my car seat, fooling around?”

“Yes, I do remember that very special and fun moment.” said the wife, lowering herself into a leather chair next to him.

The husband continued, “Do you remembered when he shoved that shotgun in my face and yelled out at me, “Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison.”

With her eyes wide open, she replies, “Of course, I remember that moment. Dad was so mad his face was red like the devil's.”

The husband sighed as he wiped away another tear away from his cheek, as he stated, “I would have gotten out today!”

A Joke for Today. “The Rooster is Awaiting.”

 A Joke for Today.  “The Rooster is Awaiting.”

A very old, little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says to her, “Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can not figure out how to get it started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it is finished?”

The old lady replies, “Well, according to the picture on the box, it is supposed to a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the old lady’s jigsaw puzzle.

The old lady lets her neighbor into her house and shows him where she has the puzzle set up and how it is spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box for a moment.  Then he looks at the box, and he turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her by the hand and says,

“Secondly, I want you to relax,” and he says, “Let us have a nice cup of tea,” and then, he says with a very deep sigh, he continues, “Let us put all of the Corn Flakes back into the box.”

As with a few swipes of his hand, he pushed the Corn Flakes back into the cereal box.

So much for a puzzle of a rooster!