A Joke for Today. “Someone Needs a New Lawnmower.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Someone Needs a New Lawnmower.” 

At a neighborhood yard sale down the street, Grandpa Earl is inspecting an old, rusted out lawn mower while Grandms Barb hovers over a table of costume jewelry.

Grandpa Earl says to Barb, “Look at this antique Briggs & Stratton lawnmower! The owner wants $15 for it.  I bet I can talk him down to $3 and a half-pack of mints for it.”

Grandma Barb replies, “Earl, that is not a yard sale item.  That is the owner’s actual lawnmower. He was just mowing the grass, and he went inside to use the bathroom.”

Grandpa Earl says to her, “Nonsense, Barb!  It is sitting on the grass near the driveway with everything else.  Everything on the grass is fair game!”

So, Earl pulls out of his pocket three old, crumpled one-dollar bills and leaves them on the table next to the lawnmower.

Grandma Barb yells out, “Earl, he left the engine running.”

Grandpa Earl replies to her, “That just means it is pre-heated, Barb.  It is a bonus feature.”

Earl grabs the lawnmower’s handles, and he starts pushing the running lawnmower down the street on the sidewalk towards his own house.

The neighbor sees what is happening from his window and jumps out the front door of his house with a sandwich in his hand yelling out loud, “HEY!  SIR! THAT IS MY LAWNMOWER. IT IS NOT FOR SALE.”

Grandma Barb turns her head over her shoulder towards the neighbor and yells back to him, as she trots behind Earl;

“NO REFUNDS, STEVE! ALL SALES ARE FINAL!  TAKE IT UP WITH OUR LAWYER!”

A Joke for Today. “Walking Home from School.”

A Joke for Today.  “Walking Home from School.”

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and who were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.

They walked down the street to their old school.

There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they had shared and where he had carved the words, “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet.

She quickly picks it up, but they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it is fify-thousand dollars.

The husband says to her, “We have to give it back.”

She replies, “Finders Keepers.” as she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and then they show up at their home.

They knock on their front door and say, “Pardon us, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

The wife says, “NO!”

The husband says, “She is lying.  She hid it up in the attic.”

She says, “Don’t believe him, he is getting senile.”

But the agents sit the man down and began to question him.

One FBI agent says to the husband, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ... “

One FBI agent looks at the other FBI agent and says, “Let us get out of here!”

A Joke for Today. “That Poor Old Grandmother.”

A Joke for Today.  “That Poor Old Grandmother.”

A husband and a wife were all dressed up and ready for a lovely evening out - dinner and a show.

Having been burglarized before, they left a light on and put the cat out in the backyard.

When the Uber arrived, they stepped outside, ... but their chunky cat slipped back into the house and ran upstairs.

Since the cat loves chasing the parakeet, the husband ran back inside to grab the cat and put her back outside.

Not wanting the driver to think the house would be empty all night, the wife said to the Uber driver, “My husband is saying good-night to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband jumped back into the car, all flustered, out of breath, and a bit hugging and puffing.

He said, “Sorry that took so long, but that stupid old girl was hiding under the bed, so I had to poke her with a stick, and then a coat hanger to get her out from under the bed. Then, she tried to run, so I grabbed her, wrapped a blanket around her so she would not scratch me like she did the last time.”

“I then dragged her downstairs and tossed her into the backyard.  She better not crap in the vegetable garden again.”

The silence in the Uber was deafening, as the wife looked in the mirror to glance at the expression on the Uber driver’s face, holding back her own laughter.

A Joke for Today. ‘The Pharmacist!’

 A Joke for Today.  ‘The Pharmacist!’

A young man walked into a neighborhood pharmacy to pick up some condoms.

The pharmacist behind the counter explained, “They come in pack of 3,9, or12.  Which size would you like them in today?”

The young guy puffed out his chest and smiled smugly, “Well, I have been dating this gorgeous girl for a couple of months now, and tonight is the big night.  I am having dinner with her parents first, and then we’re hitting the town later.  I got this great feeling I am getting lucky tonight, and frankly, once she gets a taste of me, she won’t be able to get enough of it.  So, better make it a 12 pack.”

He paid for his purchase and then he swaggered out the door.

The evening, when he arrived at his girlfriend’s home, he took a seat at the dining room table across from her parents.  Before eating, he politely volunteered to say grace over the meal.  The parents gladly bowed their heads to pray for their blessings.

The young man closed his eyes, clutched his hands tightly together, and he began praying.

Five minutes went by, ... then ten minutes went by.  He kept praying and praying, with his head so low his forehead was nearly resting on the tablecloth, as he was sweating bullets.

Finally, the girlfriend leaned in very close to him and she whispered under her breath, “Sweatheart, you never told me you were such a devout religious man!”

Without lifting his head a single inch, he whispered back.

“You never told me that your dad was the pharmacist!”

A Joke for Today. ‘The Super Jerk!’

 A Joke for Today.  ‘The Super Jerk!’

A guy walks into a towering rooftop bar and he immediately orders a drink.

He then notices a guy next to him, who casually takes a shot, and then he sprints to the edge of the building, and he jumps off the building.

The first guy watches in horror, but ten minutes later, the jumper casually walks back into the bar, completely unharmed.

Astonished, the first guy asks the jumper, “How did you do that!?”

The jumper smiles, “It’s the magic of this building.  If you take a shot of tequila, the updraft from the street below is so strong that is slows your free-fall so you can land upright on your feet.  You just float down gently to the sidewalk.”

Skeptical, but very intrigued, the guy orders a shot of tequila, slams it down his throat, runs to the edge of the building, and leaps off the building, free as a bird.

He plummets twenty stories and rapidly smashes into the pavement below; you know, not complete anymore.

The bartender shakes his head, walks slowly over to the edge of the building, and looks down at the jumper; and he sighs.

“You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you are drunk.”

A Joke for Today. ‘The Professional.’

 A Joke for Today.  ‘The Professional.’

An elderly woman rushed to the pharmacy to pick up some medication, but when she returned to her car, she realized she had locked her keys inside her car.

Looking around, she spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.  She picked it up and she whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this coat hanger on my car to get it unlock.”

So she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send me someone to help me.”

Just minutes later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the parking lot.  A bearded old man in a biker skull helmet got off and asked her, “Need some help, ma’am?”

She explained, “My daughter is sick, and I have locked myself out of my car by locking my keys inside the car.  But I need to get home as soon as possible.  Can you help me by using this coat hanger to unlock and open my car door?”

The biker smiled and said, “Sure.”  In less than a minute, her car was unlocked.

Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!”

The biker chuckled and said, “Lady, I’m not a good man.  I just out of prison yesterday, ... for car theft.”  (Or grand theft auto)

The woman hugged him even tighter and sobbed, “Oh, thank you God, ... you sent me a professional!”

A Joke for Today. “A Horse Ticket and a Frying Pan.”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Horse Ticket and a Frying Pan.”

A man was relaxing in his favorite living room armchair, reading his favorite evening paper, when his wife all of a sudden stormed into the room, and smacked him over the head with a heavy frying pan.

“Ouch!” He yelled out, rubbing the sore bump.  “What was the for?” he asked her.

She held up up a crumpled white piece of crumpled paper as a note with a furious glare.

“I found this in your pocket with the name ‘Mary Lou’ on it, with a phone number on it too.

The husband chuckled and shook his head sideways.

“Honey, you’ve got it all wrong!  And that was just the ticket details.”

Embarrassed, his wife apologized profusely.

Three day later, he was reading his favorite evening newspaper again in the same living room chair, when she snunk up behind him and she knocked him flat again with a bigger, massive cast-iron skillet.

Dazed, he groaned, “What was the for?!”

She glared down at him and said, “Your horse just called!”