A Joke for Today. ‘The Pharmacist!’

 A Joke for Today.  ‘The Pharmacist!’

A young man walked into a neighborhood pharmacy to pick up some condoms.

The pharmacist behind the counter explained, “They come in pack of 3,9, or12.  Which size would you like them in today?”

The young guy puffed out his chest and smiled smugly, “Well, I have been dating this gorgeous girl for a couple of months now, and tonight is the big night.  I am having dinner with her parents first, and then we’re hitting the town later.  I got this great feeling I am getting lucky tonight, and frankly, once she gets a taste of me, she won’t be able to get enough of it.  So, better make it a 12 pack.”

He paid for his purchase and then he swaggered out the door.

The evening, when he arrived at his girlfriend’s home, he took a seat at the dining room table across from her parents.  Before eating, he politely volunteered to say grace over the meal.  The parents gladly bowed their heads to pray for their blessings.

The young man closed his eyes, clutched his hands tightly together, and he began praying.

Five minutes went by, ... then ten minutes went by.  He kept praying and praying, with his head so low his forehead was nearly resting on the tablecloth, as he was sweating bullets.

Finally, the girlfriend leaned in very close to him and she whispered under her breath, “Sweatheart, you never told me you were such a devout religious man!”

Without lifting his head a single inch, he whispered back.

“You never told me that your dad was the pharmacist!”

A Joke for Today. ‘The Super Jerk!’

 A Joke for Today.  ‘The Super Jerk!’

A guy walks into a towering rooftop bar and he immediately orders a drink.

He then notices a guy next to him, who casually takes a shot, and then he sprints to the edge of the building, and he jumps off the building.

The first guy watches in horror, but ten minutes later, the jumper casually walks back into the bar, completely unharmed.

Astonished, the first guy asks the jumper, “How did you do that!?”

The jumper smiles, “It’s the magic of this building.  If you take a shot of tequila, the updraft from the street below is so strong that is slows your free-fall so you can land upright on your feet.  You just float down gently to the sidewalk.”

Skeptical, but very intrigued, the guy orders a shot of tequila, slams it down his throat, runs to the edge of the building, and leaps off the building, free as a bird.

He plummets twenty stories and rapidly smashes into the pavement below; you know, not complete anymore.

The bartender shakes his head, walks slowly over to the edge of the building, and looks down at the jumper; and he sighs.

“You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you are drunk.”

A Joke for Today. ‘The Professional.’

 A Joke for Today.  ‘The Professional.’

An elderly woman rushed to the pharmacy to pick up some medication, but when she returned to her car, she realized she had locked her keys inside her car.

Looking around, she spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.  She picked it up and she whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this coat hanger on my car to get it unlock.”

So she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send me someone to help me.”

Just minutes later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the parking lot.  A bearded old man in a biker skull helmet got off and asked her, “Need some help, ma’am?”

She explained, “My daughter is sick, and I have locked myself out of my car by locking my keys inside the car.  But I need to get home as soon as possible.  Can you help me by using this coat hanger to unlock and open my car door?”

The biker smiled and said, “Sure.”  In less than a minute, her car was unlocked.

Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!”

The biker chuckled and said, “Lady, I’m not a good man.  I just out of prison yesterday, ... for car theft.”  (Or grand theft auto)

The woman hugged him even tighter and sobbed, “Oh, thank you God, ... you sent me a professional!”

A Joke for Today. “A Horse Ticket and a Frying Pan.”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Horse Ticket and a Frying Pan.”

A man was relaxing in his favorite living room armchair, reading his favorite evening paper, when his wife all of a sudden stormed into the room, and smacked him over the head with a heavy frying pan.

“Ouch!” He yelled out, rubbing the sore bump.  “What was the for?” he asked her.

She held up up a crumpled white piece of crumpled paper as a note with a furious glare.

“I found this in your pocket with the name ‘Mary Lou’ on it, with a phone number on it too.

The husband chuckled and shook his head sideways.

“Honey, you’ve got it all wrong!  And that was just the ticket details.”

Embarrassed, his wife apologized profusely.

Three day later, he was reading his favorite evening newspaper again in the same living room chair, when she snunk up behind him and she knocked him flat again with a bigger, massive cast-iron skillet.

Dazed, he groaned, “What was the for?!”

She glared down at him and said, “Your horse just called!”

A Joke for Today. “Where is the Money?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Where is the Money?”

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheater him out of $10,000,000.

Not good at all!

His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place is because it was assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so he could never testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10,000,000, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where is the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I will kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”

A Joke for Today. “Which Lottery was Won?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Which Lottery was Won?”

An older married couple is sitting on the couch watching TV in complete silence.

Suddenly, the husband turns to his wife and he asks her, “Honey, if I died tomorrow, would you remarry?”

The wife thinks for a long second and replies, “Well, I would live alone, I hate cooking just for myself. And honestly, having a man around to handle the heavy lifting, fix the leaky sink, and pay half the bills is pretty practical.

So, yeah, I probably would remarry eventually.

She turns to him and asks, “What about you?  If I died, would you remarry?”

The husband shrugs and says, "Probably not.  I mean once you’ve won the lottery, you don’t usually go stand in line to buy another ticket.”

The wife just stared at him in absolute silence.

A Joke for Today. A Bridge to Hawaii.

 A Joke for Today.  "A Bridge to Hawaii."

A man was walking along a beach, deep in prayer, when he suddenly said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”

A voice boomed from above, “Because you have been faithful, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there anytime I want.”

The Lord replied, “That is a bit much ... think of all of the engineering, the materials, the miles of ocean.  I could do, but it is a lot to ask for.  Ask for something else.”

So, the man went into deep thought for a while.

Then he said, “Okay. I want to understand women.  What they feel, what they think, why they say, ‘nothing when there is something wrong ... and how to make them truly happy!”

There was a very long pause from the Lord.

Then the Lord said, “So ... about this bridge.  Do you want two or four lanes?”