A Joke for Today. “Where is the Money?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Where is the Money?”

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheater him out of $10,000,000.

Not good at all!

His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place is because it was assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so he could never testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10,000,000, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where is the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I will kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”

A Joke for Today. “Which Lottery was Won?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Which Lottery was Won?”

An older married couple is sitting on the couch watching TV in complete silence.

Suddenly, the husband turns to his wife and he asks her, “Honey, if I died tomorrow, would you remarry?”

The wife thinks for a long second and replies, “Well, I would live alone, I hate cooking just for myself. And honestly, having a man around to handle the heavy lifting, fix the leaky sink, and pay half the bills is pretty practical.

So, yeah, I probably would remarry eventually.

She turns to him and asks, “What about you?  If I died, would you remarry?”

The husband shrugs and says, "Probably not.  I mean once you’ve won the lottery, you don’t usually go stand in line to buy another ticket.”

The wife just stared at him in absolute silence.

A Joke for Today. A Bridge to Hawaii.

 A Joke for Today.  "A Bridge to Hawaii."

A man was walking along a beach, deep in prayer, when he suddenly said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”

A voice boomed from above, “Because you have been faithful, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there anytime I want.”

The Lord replied, “That is a bit much ... think of all of the engineering, the materials, the miles of ocean.  I could do, but it is a lot to ask for.  Ask for something else.”

So, the man went into deep thought for a while.

Then he said, “Okay. I want to understand women.  What they feel, what they think, why they say, ‘nothing when there is something wrong ... and how to make them truly happy!”

There was a very long pause from the Lord.

Then the Lord said, “So ... about this bridge.  Do you want two or four lanes?”

A Joke for Today. “Where is the Hat?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Where is the Hat?”

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

Murphy had never been seen in church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass.  What made you decide to join us this fine Sunday morning?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. And I know that McGlynn had the same hat as my hat; and knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday.

I also knew that McGlynn had to take his hat off during the Mass and I figured that he would leave it in the back of the church; so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you did not steal McGlynn’s hat.  What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

The priest gave Murphy a big wide smile and said; “After I talked about the Commandments, ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal.’ you decided you would rather do without your hat instead of burning in hell for eternity. Right?”

Murphy shook his head and said, “No, Father. It was after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my hat."

A Joke for Today. “How Much is a Wife Worth?”

 A Joke for Today.  “How Much is a Wife Worth?”

A newly married couple, John and Karen, were walking along the beach during their honeymoon.

Suddenly, John tripped over an old, dusty oil lamp.

He picked it up, rubbed it, and POOF! A magical Genie appeared in a cloud of smoke.

The Genie smile and said, “Thank you for freeing me! I can grant you three wishes. However, because you are newlyweds, there is a special marriage rule: Whatever you wish for, your wife will get ten times (10) times more!

John looked at Karen, smiled, and said, “That is OK.  That is just wonderful! She is my wife, I love her, and I don’t mind sharing.”

For his first wish, John said, Genie, I want to be the richest man in the world. I want 100,00,000 dollars in my bank account.”  (In yesteryear’s dollars of course.)

Genie snapped his fingers. “Done! You have 100 million in your bank account.  But remember, your wife now has 1 billion dollars in her bank account!”

John smiled, “That is perfectly fine with me. What is mine is hers, and what is hers is mine.”

For his second wish, John said, “Genie, I want a fleet of the most luxurious sports cars in the world. A Ferrari, a Lamborghini, and a Rolls Royce!”

The Genie snapped his fingers again. “Done! You have 3 luxury cars, but your wife has now has 30 luxury cars as well, along with a massive garage.”

John nodded happily, “No problem at all! We can all go on road trips together.”

Then, the Genie looked at John very seriously. “Now, think very hard and carefully, young man. This is your third and final wish.  Remember the rule” whatever you get, your wife gets ten times more, as in (10x) as more.”

John closed his eyes, thought for a very long moment, and then he smirked.  He looked at the Genie and said:

“Genie, for my last wish ... please give me a mild, non-fatal heart attack.”

The Genie froze. Karen’s jaw dropped in absolute horror, and John lived happily ever after, as a very, very wealthy bachelor.

A Joke for Today. “Who are the Fallen?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Who are the Fallen?”

There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to committing adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confessing to committing adultery, I’ll quit!”

Well, everyone like him, so they came up with a code word.

Someone who had committed adultery would say the word, ‘Fallen.’ instead of the word adultery.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest, and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age of 92 years old.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town because he was very concerned about something weird happening in town.

The priest said, “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town.

When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about being, ‘fallen.’

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain about the code word, the priest shook his head and with an accusing finger at the mayor said,

“I don’t know what you are laughing about, because your wife fell down three times this week.”

A Joke for today. "Learn how to pronounce words."

 A Joke for today.  "Learn how to pronounce words."

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.  She said, "I have a reason to praise the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a very terrible bicycle wreak and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.  She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children, and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it back in place."

Again, the men if the congregation squirmed uncomfortable as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."  All of the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I am Jim and I would like to tell everyone including my wife, the word is "sternum."