A Joke for Today. “Which Service?”

 A Joke for Today. “Which Service?”

One Sunday morning, at the morning service, the pastor noticed a little boy named Alex standing in the foyer of one of the cities biggest churches in town.

He was staring up at a large plaque on the wall, wondering what it was all about. But he figured that it must be something very important and special.

It was cover with names in black letters, along with small American flags mounted on either side of it. It looked like a rather special plaque, thought Alex.

The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, longer than usual especially for a little boy.

So, the pastor walked up to Alex and he said to him, “Good morning. How are you doing today?”

“Good morning, Pastor.” he replied, as he was still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor,” Alex started asking, “What is that on the wall.”

The pastor replied, “Well son, it is a memorial to all of the men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque, alone in their thoughts.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30 one?”

A Joke for Today. "A Marriage Helped by a Cop.”

A Joke for Today.  “A Marriage Helped by a Cop.”

A man gets pulled over for speeding. 

As the cop approaches the car, the man asks if he can get out of the car so he can talk to the cop in private.

The cops says. “Ok.”

He then asks the man why he was speeding.

The man says, “You see the woman sitting in the passenger side front seat?  That is my wife!  Do see the woman sitting in the back seat?  That is my mother-in-law!”

“She has been living with us for three months now.  This morning they had a big fight and the mother-in-law insisted we take her home as fast as possible.  So, I am trying to get her there as quickly as possible before they make up and she wants to return home with us.”

The cop looks at the man and says: “Get back in your car and I will give you a police escort with lights and sirens.  We will get her home as fast as possible?”

A Joke for Today. “Happy Birthday OR Happy Surprise.”

 A Joke for Today. “Happy Birthday OR Happy Surprise.”

“Why did she get a divorce?” The woman was asked, by her new friend. So, she started to explain to her friend with a sense of hesitation.

Last month it was her birthday.

Her husband didn’t wish her a happy birthday.

Even her parents forgot it was her birthday.

She went to work and even her co-workers forgot it was her birthday. They didn’t say anything to her. And it seemed as if they were ignoring her, which sometimes happens on birthdays. But she was thinking that maybe it was just her imagination.

When she got to the office, her very good looking and handsome male secretary smile at her, and he said, “Happy Birthday, ma’am.”

She felt so special. He asked her out to lunch, and afterwards, he invited her to his apartment, so she was feeling extra special and happy because maybe she was going to get ‘lucky.’ As a special birthday gift, that is!

When they got to the secretary’s apartment, he asked, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

She smiled at him as she because she knew what that meant, so she responded to that good looking secretary with the words,

“Okay. Not at all. Take your time., But her thoughts within her mind were thinking, ‘Just like the good old days.

This is truly going to be a great birthday gift for me. Screw the rest of them, including my no good husband.’

Five minutes later, he opened the bedroom door, and he came out holding a huge birthday cake with candles on top of it, followed by her husband, her parents, her kids, her friends, and all of her colleagues, all yelling, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”

While she was waiting on the oversized sofa, ‘nude and ‘available.’

A Joke for Today. “A Gift for a Baby.”

A Joke for Today. “A Gift for a Baby.”

A woman was standing in front of the window in the maternity wing of a hosptial looking at her newborn baby when another new mom walked up beside her.

She pointed at a baby and said, “Is that your baby boy there?”

The first woman replied, “Why, yes, it is.”

The second woman then pointed at a baby boy beside it and said, “That is my third child.

We named him Beauregard Winston Balkwin the THIRD after his great, great, great grandfather, the famous Conferate general.”

“That is nice.” replied the first woman.”

The second woman continued talking. “My husband is buying me a four carat diaond ring to celebrate my child’s birth.”

“That is nice.” replied the first woman.

“When I birthed our very first child, my husband bought a yacht, and named it after me, and then we sailed around the world.” said the second woman.

“That is nice.” said the first woman, again.

“For our second child.’ said the second woman. “My husband bought me a second house.”

“Is this your first child?” asked the second woman. “What did your husband buy you?”

The first woman turned to her and answered the second woman, “When we found out that I was pregnant, my husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” said the second woman, incredulously. “Why would he do that?”

“Yes! Well.” replied the first woman, as she stared right in the eyes of the second woman. “That is where I learned to say, “That is nice!” instead of “Who gives a fuck!”

A Joke for Today. “One Fast Swig and Down She Fell.”

 A Joke for Today. “One Fast Swig and Down She Fell.”

One time I got sick, and I landed in a hospital room. (Way more than one time, actually.)

There was this one nurse who just drove me crazy, because every time she came into the room, she would always talk to me like I was a small child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how we doing this morning, my dearie?”

Or “Are we ready for your today’s bath time, because another nurse has prepared the warm water, my dearie?”

Or “Are we hungry enough to eat a full meal, because the cooks have been mightly busy preparing it, my dearie?”

Or "Are ready for the doctor's visit today, because he really wants to see you and check up on how you are doing today, my dearie?

That kind of crap just never stopped.

I had had enough of this particualar nurse. I was just tired of her voice too. So, I thouight up something really neat to play a joke on her, just for my own laugh and enjoyment.

After all, a hospital room can be very boring most of the time.

So, one day at breakfast, when the breakfast tray was brought into my room and it was set on the table next to my bed, I took the apple juice cup off the tray and I put it in my bedside stand, so she could not see it.

Later, she wanted me to give her a urine sample, so she give me a urine sample bottle to fill with up with my pee for testing, so she would know where the juice went! (Whatever that means.)

The nurse returned a little later to pick up the urine sample bottle, which was easy enough to do for any nurse anywhere in the world.

She looked at it, and she said to me, “My, my, my dearie. It seems we are a little cloudy today.” (Meaning my pee, that is.)

She set the urine bottle down on the table, and as soon as that urine bottle touched the table, I snatched it off the table, popped off the top, and gulped it all down my throat in one downward motion like it was a swig of whiskey, which I a lot of practice doing before that moment.

Then I said, “I’ll run it down again, just to check it better.”

The nurse fainted, ... I just smiled!”

A Joke for Today. “A Cat and Mice in Heaven.”

A Joke for Today. “A Cat and Mice in Heaven.”

A cat died and went to heaven.

God met the cat at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a very good cat all of these years, throughout your whole cat life.

Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All of my life I have lived on a farm, and I have slept on very hard, wooden floors. I would really like a really fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” And instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.

God met the mice at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, with the exact same off that He made to the cat.

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives, from cats, dogs, even from people with brooms. Plus, more catchers of mice.

If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”

God answered the 12 mice, “It is done.” All of the mice had the most beautiful little roller-skates in the world.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her flat HUGE pillow.

The cat looked a little bigger. God gently awakened the cat and asked it, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

They replied, “Oh everything is just the most WONDERFUL.”

“I have never been so happy in my life.”

My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-On-Wheels’ that you have been sending over to me are just the most delicious.”

A Joke for Today. “S.O.S. High in the Sky.”

A Joke for Today.  “S.O.S. High in the Sky.”

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 800 km/h, at 30,300 feet, when suddenly a Euro jetfighter airplane, with a Tempo Mach 2 appears out of nowhere from the clouds.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus, boring flight, isn’t it?  Now have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then he swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking nosedive.

Then he loops back next to the side of the Airbus, and asks its pilot, “Well, how was that?”

Confused, the Airbus pilot radios back, “Very nice, but watch this?”

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens.

It continues to fly straight at the same speed.  After about 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, “Well, how was that?”

Confused, the jet pilot asks, “Well, what did you do?”

The Airbus pilot laughs and answers, “I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then I got a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate fudge pastry.

The moral of the story is this: ‘When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great.  But as soon as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.’

That is called, S.O.S.: ‘Slower, Older, and Smarter!’

This is dedicated to all of my senior friends - it is time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip-feeling happy. As much as possible anyway!