A Joke for Today. “Three In One.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Three In One.”

A man came home unexpectedly very early from work one day and he walked straight into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man.  (A common event it seems - man working, wife cheating.)

Enraged, the husband pulled out a pair of revolvers and challenged the lover to a classic gentlemen’s duel: whoever survives the shootout would keep the very horny wife.

The lover agreed, and to spare the wife from witnessing the bloodshed, the two men stepped into the adjacent study.

Once the door was closed tight, the husband whispered, “Look.  Why should either of us actually die over this very horny wife of mine.

Why not fire two bullets straight into the ceiling and drop to the floor like we are dead.  When she rushes into the study room, whichever one of us she runs to first and weeps over gets to keep her for good.”

The lover nodded in agreement.  So, off goes the guns.  BANG! BANG!

The shots rang out, and both men threw themselves onto the hardwood floor, their eyes closed, playing dead.

Moments later, the wife threw the door open, peered at the two motionless bodies sprawled across the floor, and turned back toward the hallway closet with a sigh of relief, as she yelled out down the hallway, 

“Honey. You can come out now. They are both dead!”

A Joke for Today. “A Human versus A Bull.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Human versus A Bull.”

A husband and wife were visiting a country fair and they stopped by the cattle section.

At the very first stall, a sign read: “This bull bred 50 times last year.”

The wife smiled and nudged her husband, and said, “See? 50 times a year.”

At the second stall, the sign read: “This bull bred 150 times last year.”

The wife laughed even louder the second time and said to her husband. “Wow! You sure could learn something from him.”

He wasn’t happy about that statement either, but he said nothing at all.

At the third stall, the sign proudly read: “This bull bred 365 times last year.”

The wife looked at her husband and said, “Once a day for a whole year. Amazing. Isn’t it?”

The husband finally smiled and calmly replied, “Go ask if it was from the same old cow every time.”

A Joke for Today. “A 12-Inch What?”

A Joke for Today. “A 12-Inch What?”

A man with a box walks into a bar and he sits down on a bar stool.

He starts to order a drink, but he seems a bit distressed for some unknown reason.

“What is in the box?” asks the bartender.

“Ugh, just get me a very strong drink.” says the grumbling man.

The bartender says, “Show me what is in the box, and the next drink is free, on the house.”

The man nods as he places the box on the bar. He takes out a small piano and puts it on the bar top.

Then, a very small man about a foot tall come out of the box and he starts playing the most beautiful music in the world, most beautiful he has ever heard in his life. (Which isn’t saying much. Probably!)

Anyway, the bartender asks the man slowly drinking his drink, “Where did you get that box and the 12 inch tall man?”

The drinking man replies, “There is a genie outside granting wishes, but....”

Before he can finish his statement to answer the question, the bartender runs outside. He sees the genie, and yells, “I wish for a million bucks!”

After a puff of smoke, there are a million ducks walking inside and outside the bar all quacking simultaneously.

The bartender runs back inside the bar and yells out to the drinking man, “Hey, you didn’t tell me that the genie was hard of hearing!”

The drinking guy turns around very slowly with his eyes beaming at the bartender, as he sadly said to him, “Did you really think that I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

A Joke for Today. “Oh, oh. Upside Down with a View.”

 A Joke for Today. “Oh, oh. Upside Down with a View.”

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her first day of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the very first day, but on the second day, she decided that no one would see her body way up there on the roof, so she slipped out of her bathing suit to get a better, overall tan.

She’d hardly begun her tanning section when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her butt so nobody could see it.

Soon enough, she heard the words, “Excuse me miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the long flight of stairs.

“The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

She barked out loud, “What is the difference does it make?” Joan asked rather loudly. “No one can see me up here, and besides I am covered with a towel anyway.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You are lying on the dining room skylight!”

A Joke for Today. “Another Daddy?”

A Joke for Today. “Another Daddy?”

A father put his three-year old daughter to bed, and told her a story, and listened to her say her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy. God bless daddy. God bless grandma. And good-bye grandpa.”

The father has her, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”

The little girl replied, “I don’t know, daddy. It seemed the right thing to do.”

The next day, her grandpa died. Yet, her father thought it was just a very strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed, and he listened to her prayers again, which went something like this. “God bless mommy. God bless daddy. And good-bye grandma.”

The very next day the grandma died.

“My gosh.” thought the father. “This kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the daddy heard her say her prayers again, which sounded like, “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night. He woke up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day long, had his lunch sent in, and he watched the clock, very carefully.

He figured that if he could make it until midnight, that he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed in the office, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and he went home.

When he got home, his wife asked him, “I have not seen you work so late. What is the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I just had the worse day of my life.”

The wife responded with, “Tell me about it. You think you had a bad day. You would not believe what happened to me.”

The husband just stared at his wife thinking to himself, “Sure, honey.”

His wife looked like she was going to cry when she said, “This morning the mailman dropped dead on our front porch.”

A Joke for Today. “A Wife Doubts an Old Fisherman.”

A Joke for Today.  “A Wife Doubts an Old Fisherman.”  

An old fisherman is sitting by a lake when a young man approaches him.

The young man asks the old fisherman, “Caught anything today?”

The old fisherman responds, “Just one fish today.”

The young man asks, “Only one fish?  I have been fishing here for four hours, and I haven’t caught a thing.”

The old man smiles as he gives the young man some advice, “Patience, son.  Fishing is all about patience.”

The young man sits beside him. After an hour, he still hasn’t caught anything, so he asks the old man, “How do you stay so calm?  I’m getting bored.”

The old fisherman replies, “I think about life, enjoy the fresh air, and appreciate the little things of life.”

The young fisherman nods his head up and down in agreement, as he says to the old fisherman, “That is heavy. Pretty deep! So, "What is the biggest fish you have ever caught?”

The old fisherman smiles at the youngster as he says to him, “A 40-pound bass!”

The young fisherman replies, “Wow! How did you catch it?”

The old fisherman responds, “With a tiny hook and a little worm.”

The young fisherman looks amazed and asks the older fisherman, “That is incredible! How long did it take?”

The old man thinks about it for a few minutes, “About 10 minutes.”

The young man is shocked.  “Only 10 minutes?”

“Yes.  But it took me 20 years to convince my wife that it was 40 pounds.”

The young man laughs, as he asks the old man, “Did she ever believe you?”

The old timer starts to pack up his fishing gear as he says, “NO!  But she stopped asking me how much money I spent on fishing equipment.”

A Joke for Today. “Which Service?”

 A Joke for Today. “Which Service?”

One Sunday morning, at the morning service, the pastor noticed a little boy named Alex standing in the foyer of one of the cities biggest churches in town.

He was staring up at a large plaque on the wall, wondering what it was all about. But he figured that it must be something very important and special.

It was cover with names in black letters, along with small American flags mounted on either side of it. It looked like a rather special plaque, thought Alex.

The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, longer than usual especially for a little boy.

So, the pastor walked up to Alex and he said to him, “Good morning. How are you doing today?”

“Good morning, Pastor.” he replied, as he was still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor,” Alex started asking, “What is that on the wall.”

The pastor replied, “Well son, it is a memorial to all of the men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque, alone in their thoughts.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30 one?”