A Joke for Today. “Oh, oh. Upside Down with a View.”

 A Joke for Today. “Oh, oh. Upside Down with a View.”

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her first day of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the very first day, but on the second day, she decided that no one would see her body way up there on the roof, so she slipped out of her bathing suit to get a better, overall tan.

She’d hardly begun her tanning section when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her butt so nobody could see it.

Soon enough, she heard the words, “Excuse me miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the long flight of stairs.

“The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

She barked out loud, “What is the difference does it make?” Joan asked rather loudly. “No one can see me up here, and besides I am covered with a towel anyway.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You are lying on the dining room skylight!”

A Joke for Today. “Another Daddy?”

A Joke for Today. “Another Daddy?”

A father put his three-year old daughter to bed, and told her a story, and listened to her say her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy. God bless daddy. God bless grandma. And good-bye grandpa.”

The father has her, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”

The little girl replied, “I don’t know, daddy. It seemed the right thing to do.”

The next day, her grandpa died. Yet, her father thought it was just a very strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed, and he listened to her prayers again, which went something like this. “God bless mommy. God bless daddy. And good-bye grandma.”

The very next day the grandma died.

“My gosh.” thought the father. “This kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the daddy heard her say her prayers again, which sounded like, “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night. He woke up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day long, had his lunch sent in, and he watched the clock, very carefully.

He figured that if he could make it until midnight, that he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed in the office, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and he went home.

When he got home, his wife asked him, “I have not seen you work so late. What is the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I just had the worse day of my life.”

The wife responded with, “Tell me about it. You think you had a bad day. You would not believe what happened to me.”

The husband just stared at his wife thinking to himself, “Sure, honey.”

His wife looked like she was going to cry when she said, “This morning the mailman dropped dead on our front porch.”

A Joke for Today. “A Wife Doubts an Old Fisherman.”

A Joke for Today.  “A Wife Doubts an Old Fisherman.”  

An old fisherman is sitting by a lake when a young man approaches him.

The young man asks the old fisherman, “Caught anything today?”

The old fisherman responds, “Just one fish today.”

The young man asks, “Only one fish?  I have been fishing here for four hours, and I haven’t caught a thing.”

The old man smiles as he gives the young man some advice, “Patience, son.  Fishing is all about patience.”

The young man sits beside him. After an hour, he still hasn’t caught anything, so he asks the old man, “How do you stay so calm?  I’m getting bored.”

The old fisherman replies, “I think about life, enjoy the fresh air, and appreciate the little things of life.”

The young fisherman nods his head up and down in agreement, as he says to the old fisherman, “That is heavy. Pretty deep! So, "What is the biggest fish you have ever caught?”

The old fisherman smiles at the youngster as he says to him, “A 40-pound bass!”

The young fisherman replies, “Wow! How did you catch it?”

The old fisherman responds, “With a tiny hook and a little worm.”

The young fisherman looks amazed and asks the older fisherman, “That is incredible! How long did it take?”

The old man thinks about it for a few minutes, “About 10 minutes.”

The young man is shocked.  “Only 10 minutes?”

“Yes.  But it took me 20 years to convince my wife that it was 40 pounds.”

The young man laughs, as he asks the old man, “Did she ever believe you?”

The old timer starts to pack up his fishing gear as he says, “NO!  But she stopped asking me how much money I spent on fishing equipment.”

A Joke for Today. “Which Service?”

 A Joke for Today. “Which Service?”

One Sunday morning, at the morning service, the pastor noticed a little boy named Alex standing in the foyer of one of the cities biggest churches in town.

He was staring up at a large plaque on the wall, wondering what it was all about. But he figured that it must be something very important and special.

It was cover with names in black letters, along with small American flags mounted on either side of it. It looked like a rather special plaque, thought Alex.

The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, longer than usual especially for a little boy.

So, the pastor walked up to Alex and he said to him, “Good morning. How are you doing today?”

“Good morning, Pastor.” he replied, as he was still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor,” Alex started asking, “What is that on the wall.”

The pastor replied, “Well son, it is a memorial to all of the men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque, alone in their thoughts.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30 one?”

A Joke for Today. "A Marriage Helped by a Cop.”

A Joke for Today.  “A Marriage Helped by a Cop.”

A man gets pulled over for speeding. 

As the cop approaches the car, the man asks if he can get out of the car so he can talk to the cop in private.

The cops says. “Ok.”

He then asks the man why he was speeding.

The man says, “You see the woman sitting in the passenger side front seat?  That is my wife!  Do see the woman sitting in the back seat?  That is my mother-in-law!”

“She has been living with us for three months now.  This morning they had a big fight and the mother-in-law insisted we take her home as fast as possible.  So, I am trying to get her there as quickly as possible before they make up and she wants to return home with us.”

The cop looks at the man and says: “Get back in your car and I will give you a police escort with lights and sirens.  We will get her home as fast as possible?”

A Joke for Today. “Happy Birthday OR Happy Surprise.”

 A Joke for Today. “Happy Birthday OR Happy Surprise.”

“Why did she get a divorce?” The woman was asked, by her new friend. So, she started to explain to her friend with a sense of hesitation.

Last month it was her birthday.

Her husband didn’t wish her a happy birthday.

Even her parents forgot it was her birthday.

She went to work and even her co-workers forgot it was her birthday. They didn’t say anything to her. And it seemed as if they were ignoring her, which sometimes happens on birthdays. But she was thinking that maybe it was just her imagination.

When she got to the office, her very good looking and handsome male secretary smile at her, and he said, “Happy Birthday, ma’am.”

She felt so special. He asked her out to lunch, and afterwards, he invited her to his apartment, so she was feeling extra special and happy because maybe she was going to get ‘lucky.’ As a special birthday gift, that is!

When they got to the secretary’s apartment, he asked, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

She smiled at him as she because she knew what that meant, so she responded to that good looking secretary with the words,

“Okay. Not at all. Take your time., But her thoughts within her mind were thinking, ‘Just like the good old days.

This is truly going to be a great birthday gift for me. Screw the rest of them, including my no good husband.’

Five minutes later, he opened the bedroom door, and he came out holding a huge birthday cake with candles on top of it, followed by her husband, her parents, her kids, her friends, and all of her colleagues, all yelling, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”

While she was waiting on the oversized sofa, ‘nude and ‘available.’

A Joke for Today. “A Gift for a Baby.”

A Joke for Today. “A Gift for a Baby.”

A woman was standing in front of the window in the maternity wing of a hosptial looking at her newborn baby when another new mom walked up beside her.

She pointed at a baby and said, “Is that your baby boy there?”

The first woman replied, “Why, yes, it is.”

The second woman then pointed at a baby boy beside it and said, “That is my third child.

We named him Beauregard Winston Balkwin the THIRD after his great, great, great grandfather, the famous Conferate general.”

“That is nice.” replied the first woman.”

The second woman continued talking. “My husband is buying me a four carat diaond ring to celebrate my child’s birth.”

“That is nice.” replied the first woman.

“When I birthed our very first child, my husband bought a yacht, and named it after me, and then we sailed around the world.” said the second woman.

“That is nice.” said the first woman, again.

“For our second child.’ said the second woman. “My husband bought me a second house.”

“Is this your first child?” asked the second woman. “What did your husband buy you?”

The first woman turned to her and answered the second woman, “When we found out that I was pregnant, my husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” said the second woman, incredulously. “Why would he do that?”

“Yes! Well.” replied the first woman, as she stared right in the eyes of the second woman. “That is where I learned to say, “That is nice!” instead of “Who gives a fuck!”