A Joke for Today. “Sleepy Preaching versus Scaring People to Pray.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Sleepy Preaching versus Scaring People to Pray.”

A mouthy preacher and a hard-working taxer driver arrived at the Pearly Gates of Heaven at the exact same time, looking at each other strangely.

An angel appeared at those gates and he handed the taxi driver a beautiful golden robe and gave the preacher a plain cotton colored green one, a rather dull robe indeed.

The preacher was clearly offended and he said the angel, “There must be some mistake?  I preached the word of God for forty years, and he simply drove a taxi.”

The angel smiled at him and he said, “There is no mistake here.”

The preacher frowned at the situation and he asked the angel, “What does that mean?”

The angel replied clearly to the preacher, “Whenever you preached to the people, the people fell asleep.”

Whenever he drove his taxi, everybody in the car started praying.”

A Joke for Today. “Close Enough!”

 A Joke for Today.  “Close Enough!”

A married man went to confession, and he said to the priest, “I almost had an affair with another married woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The man replied, “Well, we got naked, and rubbed our bodies together, but then we stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You are never to see that woman ever again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the donation box.”

The man left the confessional box, and said his prayers, and then he walked over to the the donation box.

He paused for a second and then he started to leave.

The priest quickly ran over to him and he yelled out, “I saw that.  You didn’t put any money in the donation box.”

The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the donation box, and according to you, that is the same as putting it in.”

A Joke for Today. “A Drunk Sees Flaming Lights.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Drunk Sees Flaming Lights.”

A Virginia State trooper pulled over a car on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line-border.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler, and that he was on his way to Beckley, WV. to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late, which he seemed to be anyway.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and he also said if the driver would do a few juggling tricks for him, then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

The Juggler told the trooper he had sent his juggling equipment ahead and he didn’t have anything to juggle.

So, the trooper said he had some flares in the trunk, and he asked the juggler if he could juggle them, as they were lit up on fire.

The juggler replied that he could juggle anything at all within reason.  So, the trooper got 5 flares out of his patrol car trunk, and then he lit them up to start a bright flaming glare.  He then handed them to the juggler.

While the juggler was juggling the bright lit up flares, a car pulled behind the patrol car and stopped.  A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out of his car.  He watched the performance very briefly, and then he slowly walked over to the patrol car, he opened the rear door and enter the patrol car.

The trooper observed him, and he walked over to his patrol car, he opened the door, and he asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk yelled out the door, “You might as well take my ass to jail, because there is no way in hell, or on earth I can pass that test!”

How I saw a human being walk on the moon. In 1969,

 

A Joke for Today. “Who is the Mightiest?”

A Joke for Today. “Who is the Mightiest?”

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared out loud, “Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!”

Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellows out loud, “Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, “Oh, you are the mightiest animal in all of the jungle.”

Since the lion was on a roll, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?”

Fast as lighting, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, leaving the lion feeling like it had been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion until it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts up his head very weakly, and it hollers out at the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to be so upset about it.”

A Joke for Today. “Does the Ex-Husband Know How to Spell?”

 A Joke for Today. “Does the Ex-Husband Know How to Spell?”

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven one day after she died.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she was peeking through the holy heavenly gates. There, she saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around that beautiful banquet table was her parents and all of the other people who loved her and who she loved too, and who had died before her too early of a death she believed.

They saw her and they started calling out all sorts of greetings to her like, “Hello. How are you? We have been waiting for you. Good to see you! Etc.”

When Saint Peter came by to see her, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

Saint Peter replied, “You have to spell a word.”

“What word?” she asked.

Saint Peter answered her, “LOVE.”

She knew that was very easy. “L O V E.”

So, Saint Peter welcomed her into the Pearly Gate of Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman, and he asked her to watch the Pearly Gates of Heaven for a short period of time.

While the woman was watching the Pearly Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived, so she said to him, “I’m surprised to see you here.”

He replied to her, “Oh yes. Well, I have been doing pretty good since you died.”

He continued, “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you when you were sick. And I won the multi-state lottery, so I sold that little house you and I lived in and then I bought a huge mansion to live in. Very big indeed. And my wife and I have traveled all around the globe, visiting all sorts of very cool places, eating great food, seeing the sites, and of course, listening to great music from all around the world while we drank wine and danced to music.”

“We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head hard, and here I am today. What a bummer! How do I get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven?”

His ex-wife replied to him, “You have to spell a word.”

The ex-husband asked her, “What word?”

She smiled at him, with her eyes wide open. “Czechoslovakia!”

A Joke for Today. “The Hand of God, Or ...”

A Joke for Today. “The Hand of God, Or ...”

A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a windy storm.

As the night went by, no cars passed him. The storm was so strong, that he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. He had been drinking at a bar in a very small, teeny, tiny town, so he was a bit drunk, but he still has some of his wits about him.

Suddenly, he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the car door, only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started moving slowly ahead. By this time in the windy, dark storm, the guy couldn’t see anything because it was so foggy, inside and outside the car.

The guy looked at the road and he barely saw a curve coming his way. Scared for his life, he started praying, and begging for his life not to end because he thought he was going to die falling off the cliff.

He hadn’t come out of shock yet, when just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

Once the car had slowed down enough, the guy gathered his strength, opened the door and jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town, as the car slowly creep forward with no driver in the drivers seat.

Wet and in shock, he ran into the nearest bar and asked for two shots of tequila. He started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through with the car moving without a driver through the darkness of the night, in the horrible storm where he couldn’t see except barely a few feet in from of him.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized that the guy was crying and he wasn’t really that drunk, but he ordered a beer anyway just to cool himself off of the fear he was possessed with being in a scene from a horror movie.

About a half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, sat down and ordered a beer.

One guy said to the other guy, “Look Bubba. That is the jerk who climbed into the car while we were pushing it!”

A Joke for Today. “A Very Tired Dog!”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Very Tired Dog!”

An old, tired looking dog wandered into a backyard.  The owner of the backyard could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of in general.

The dog calmly went over to the owner, and the owner gave the dog a few pats on his head. The dog then followed the houseowner, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and it fell asleep.

An hour later, the dog went to the door, so the houseowner let it outside.

The next day the dog had returned, and it greeted the houseowner in the backyard again, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and it slept again for about an hour.

That continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, the houseowner pinned a note to the dog’s collar, “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask this person if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The very next day the dog arrived for his nap in the house-owner’s hallway, with a different note pinned to his collar.

“He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age 3.  He is trying to catch up on his sleep.  Can I come with him tomorrow!”

A Joke for Today. “A Blond with Crabs.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Blond with Crabs.”

So, a lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs.

He asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him during the flight.

She took the box of crabs and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them to stay frozen; mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and then he basically threaten her about what would happen to her if she let them completely thaw out, even though she was helping him out and being very nice to the guy, or the jerk, if you will.

Shortly before the airplane landing in New York, she picked up the airplane’s intercom mouthpiece to announce to the entire cabin, meaning to everyone on the airplane, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand high in the air towards the above storage units?”

Not one hand up rose high in the air towards the storage units, ... so she took the box of crabs home with her and ate them.

There are two lessons here.

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are!

2. Blonds aren’t as dumb as people say they are!

A Joke for Today. “Three In One.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Three In One.”

A man came home unexpectedly very early from work one day and he walked straight into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man.  (A common event it seems - man working, wife cheating.)

Enraged, the husband pulled out a pair of revolvers and challenged the lover to a classic gentlemen’s duel: whoever survives the shootout would keep the very horny wife.

The lover agreed, and to spare the wife from witnessing the bloodshed, the two men stepped into the adjacent study.

Once the door was closed tight, the husband whispered, “Look.  Why should either of us actually die over this very horny wife of mine.

Why not fire two bullets straight into the ceiling and drop to the floor like we are dead.  When she rushes into the study room, whichever one of us she runs to first and weeps over gets to keep her for good.”

The lover nodded in agreement.  So, off goes the guns.  BANG! BANG!

The shots rang out, and both men threw themselves onto the hardwood floor, their eyes closed, playing dead.

Moments later, the wife threw the door open, peered at the two motionless bodies sprawled across the floor, and turned back toward the hallway closet with a sigh of relief, as she yelled out down the hallway, 

“Honey. You can come out now. They are both dead!”

A Joke for Today. “A Human versus A Bull.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Human versus A Bull.”

A husband and wife were visiting a country fair and they stopped by the cattle section.

At the very first stall, a sign read: “This bull bred 50 times last year.”

The wife smiled and nudged her husband, and said, “See? 50 times a year.”

At the second stall, the sign read: “This bull bred 150 times last year.”

The wife laughed even louder the second time and said to her husband. “Wow! You sure could learn something from him.”

He wasn’t happy about that statement either, but he said nothing at all.

At the third stall, the sign proudly read: “This bull bred 365 times last year.”

The wife looked at her husband and said, “Once a day for a whole year. Amazing. Isn’t it?”

The husband finally smiled and calmly replied, “Go ask if it was from the same old cow every time.”

A Joke for Today. “A 12-Inch What?”

A Joke for Today. “A 12-Inch What?”

A man with a box walks into a bar and he sits down on a bar stool.

He starts to order a drink, but he seems a bit distressed for some unknown reason.

“What is in the box?” asks the bartender.

“Ugh, just get me a very strong drink.” says the grumbling man.

The bartender says, “Show me what is in the box, and the next drink is free, on the house.”

The man nods as he places the box on the bar. He takes out a small piano and puts it on the bar top.

Then, a very small man about a foot tall come out of the box and he starts playing the most beautiful music in the world, most beautiful he has ever heard in his life. (Which isn’t saying much. Probably!)

Anyway, the bartender asks the man slowly drinking his drink, “Where did you get that box and the 12 inch tall man?”

The drinking man replies, “There is a genie outside granting wishes, but....”

Before he can finish his statement to answer the question, the bartender runs outside. He sees the genie, and yells, “I wish for a million bucks!”

After a puff of smoke, there are a million ducks walking inside and outside the bar all quacking simultaneously.

The bartender runs back inside the bar and yells out to the drinking man, “Hey, you didn’t tell me that the genie was hard of hearing!”

The drinking guy turns around very slowly with his eyes beaming at the bartender, as he sadly said to him, “Did you really think that I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

A Joke for Today. “Oh, oh. Upside Down with a View.”

 A Joke for Today. “Oh, oh. Upside Down with a View.”

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her first day of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the very first day, but on the second day, she decided that no one would see her body way up there on the roof, so she slipped out of her bathing suit to get a better, overall tan.

She’d hardly begun her tanning section when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her butt so nobody could see it.

Soon enough, she heard the words, “Excuse me miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the long flight of stairs.

“The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

She barked out loud, “What is the difference does it make?” Joan asked rather loudly. “No one can see me up here, and besides I am covered with a towel anyway.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You are lying on the dining room skylight!”

A Joke for Today. “Another Daddy?”

A Joke for Today. “Another Daddy?”

A father put his three-year old daughter to bed, and told her a story, and listened to her say her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy. God bless daddy. God bless grandma. And good-bye grandpa.”

The father has her, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”

The little girl replied, “I don’t know, daddy. It seemed the right thing to do.”

The next day, her grandpa died. Yet, her father thought it was just a very strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed, and he listened to her prayers again, which went something like this. “God bless mommy. God bless daddy. And good-bye grandma.”

The very next day the grandma died.

“My gosh.” thought the father. “This kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the daddy heard her say her prayers again, which sounded like, “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night. He woke up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day long, had his lunch sent in, and he watched the clock, very carefully.

He figured that if he could make it until midnight, that he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed in the office, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and he went home.

When he got home, his wife asked him, “I have not seen you work so late. What is the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I just had the worse day of my life.”

The wife responded with, “Tell me about it. You think you had a bad day. You would not believe what happened to me.”

The husband just stared at his wife thinking to himself, “Sure, honey.”

His wife looked like she was going to cry when she said, “This morning the mailman dropped dead on our front porch.”

A Joke for Today. “A Wife Doubts an Old Fisherman.”

A Joke for Today.  “A Wife Doubts an Old Fisherman.”  

An old fisherman is sitting by a lake when a young man approaches him.

The young man asks the old fisherman, “Caught anything today?”

The old fisherman responds, “Just one fish today.”

The young man asks, “Only one fish?  I have been fishing here for four hours, and I haven’t caught a thing.”

The old man smiles as he gives the young man some advice, “Patience, son.  Fishing is all about patience.”

The young man sits beside him. After an hour, he still hasn’t caught anything, so he asks the old man, “How do you stay so calm?  I’m getting bored.”

The old fisherman replies, “I think about life, enjoy the fresh air, and appreciate the little things of life.”

The young fisherman nods his head up and down in agreement, as he says to the old fisherman, “That is heavy. Pretty deep! So, "What is the biggest fish you have ever caught?”

The old fisherman smiles at the youngster as he says to him, “A 40-pound bass!”

The young fisherman replies, “Wow! How did you catch it?”

The old fisherman responds, “With a tiny hook and a little worm.”

The young fisherman looks amazed and asks the older fisherman, “That is incredible! How long did it take?”

The old man thinks about it for a few minutes, “About 10 minutes.”

The young man is shocked.  “Only 10 minutes?”

“Yes.  But it took me 20 years to convince my wife that it was 40 pounds.”

The young man laughs, as he asks the old man, “Did she ever believe you?”

The old timer starts to pack up his fishing gear as he says, “NO!  But she stopped asking me how much money I spent on fishing equipment.”

A Joke for Today. “Which Service?”

 A Joke for Today. “Which Service?”

One Sunday morning, at the morning service, the pastor noticed a little boy named Alex standing in the foyer of one of the cities biggest churches in town.

He was staring up at a large plaque on the wall, wondering what it was all about. But he figured that it must be something very important and special.

It was cover with names in black letters, along with small American flags mounted on either side of it. It looked like a rather special plaque, thought Alex.

The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, longer than usual especially for a little boy.

So, the pastor walked up to Alex and he said to him, “Good morning. How are you doing today?”

“Good morning, Pastor.” he replied, as he was still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor,” Alex started asking, “What is that on the wall.”

The pastor replied, “Well son, it is a memorial to all of the men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque, alone in their thoughts.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30 one?”

A Joke for Today. "A Marriage Helped by a Cop.”

A Joke for Today.  “A Marriage Helped by a Cop.”

A man gets pulled over for speeding. 

As the cop approaches the car, the man asks if he can get out of the car so he can talk to the cop in private.

The cops says. “Ok.”

He then asks the man why he was speeding.

The man says, “You see the woman sitting in the passenger side front seat?  That is my wife!  Do see the woman sitting in the back seat?  That is my mother-in-law!”

“She has been living with us for three months now.  This morning they had a big fight and the mother-in-law insisted we take her home as fast as possible.  So, I am trying to get her there as quickly as possible before they make up and she wants to return home with us.”

The cop looks at the man and says: “Get back in your car and I will give you a police escort with lights and sirens.  We will get her home as fast as possible?”

A Joke for Today. “Happy Birthday OR Happy Surprise.”

 A Joke for Today. “Happy Birthday OR Happy Surprise.”

“Why did she get a divorce?” The woman was asked, by her new friend. So, she started to explain to her friend with a sense of hesitation.

Last month it was her birthday.

Her husband didn’t wish her a happy birthday.

Even her parents forgot it was her birthday.

She went to work and even her co-workers forgot it was her birthday. They didn’t say anything to her. And it seemed as if they were ignoring her, which sometimes happens on birthdays. But she was thinking that maybe it was just her imagination.

When she got to the office, her very good looking and handsome male secretary smile at her, and he said, “Happy Birthday, ma’am.”

She felt so special. He asked her out to lunch, and afterwards, he invited her to his apartment, so she was feeling extra special and happy because maybe she was going to get ‘lucky.’ As a special birthday gift, that is!

When they got to the secretary’s apartment, he asked, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

She smiled at him as she because she knew what that meant, so she responded to that good looking secretary with the words,

“Okay. Not at all. Take your time., But her thoughts within her mind were thinking, ‘Just like the good old days.

This is truly going to be a great birthday gift for me. Screw the rest of them, including my no good husband.’

Five minutes later, he opened the bedroom door, and he came out holding a huge birthday cake with candles on top of it, followed by her husband, her parents, her kids, her friends, and all of her colleagues, all yelling, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”

While she was waiting on the oversized sofa, ‘nude and ‘available.’

A Joke for Today. “A Gift for a Baby.”

A Joke for Today. “A Gift for a Baby.”

A woman was standing in front of the window in the maternity wing of a hosptial looking at her newborn baby when another new mom walked up beside her.

She pointed at a baby and said, “Is that your baby boy there?”

The first woman replied, “Why, yes, it is.”

The second woman then pointed at a baby boy beside it and said, “That is my third child.

We named him Beauregard Winston Balkwin the THIRD after his great, great, great grandfather, the famous Conferate general.”

“That is nice.” replied the first woman.”

The second woman continued talking. “My husband is buying me a four carat diaond ring to celebrate my child’s birth.”

“That is nice.” replied the first woman.

“When I birthed our very first child, my husband bought a yacht, and named it after me, and then we sailed around the world.” said the second woman.

“That is nice.” said the first woman, again.

“For our second child.’ said the second woman. “My husband bought me a second house.”

“Is this your first child?” asked the second woman. “What did your husband buy you?”

The first woman turned to her and answered the second woman, “When we found out that I was pregnant, my husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” said the second woman, incredulously. “Why would he do that?”

“Yes! Well.” replied the first woman, as she stared right in the eyes of the second woman. “That is where I learned to say, “That is nice!” instead of “Who gives a fuck!”

A Joke for Today. “One Fast Swig and Down She Fell.”

 A Joke for Today. “One Fast Swig and Down She Fell.”

One time I got sick, and I landed in a hospital room. (Way more than one time, actually.)

There was this one nurse who just drove me crazy, because every time she came into the room, she would always talk to me like I was a small child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how we doing this morning, my dearie?”

Or “Are we ready for your today’s bath time, because another nurse has prepared the warm water, my dearie?”

Or “Are we hungry enough to eat a full meal, because the cooks have been mightly busy preparing it, my dearie?”

Or "Are ready for the doctor's visit today, because he really wants to see you and check up on how you are doing today, my dearie?

That kind of crap just never stopped.

I had had enough of this particualar nurse. I was just tired of her voice too. So, I thouight up something really neat to play a joke on her, just for my own laugh and enjoyment.

After all, a hospital room can be very boring most of the time.

So, one day at breakfast, when the breakfast tray was brought into my room and it was set on the table next to my bed, I took the apple juice cup off the tray and I put it in my bedside stand, so she could not see it.

Later, she wanted me to give her a urine sample, so she give me a urine sample bottle to fill with up with my pee for testing, so she would know where the juice went! (Whatever that means.)

The nurse returned a little later to pick up the urine sample bottle, which was easy enough to do for any nurse anywhere in the world.

She looked at it, and she said to me, “My, my, my dearie. It seems we are a little cloudy today.” (Meaning my pee, that is.)

She set the urine bottle down on the table, and as soon as that urine bottle touched the table, I snatched it off the table, popped off the top, and gulped it all down my throat in one downward motion like it was a swig of whiskey, which I a lot of practice doing before that moment.

Then I said, “I’ll run it down again, just to check it better.”

The nurse fainted, ... I just smiled!”