A Joke for Today. “S.O.S. High in the Sky.”

A Joke for Today.  “S.O.S. High in the Sky.”

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 800 km/h, at 30,300 feet, when suddenly a Euro jetfighter airplane, with a Tempo Mach 2 appears out of nowhere from the clouds.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus, boring flight, isn’t it?  Now have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then he swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking nosedive.

Then he loops back next to the side of the Airbus, and asks its pilot, “Well, how was that?”

Confused, the Airbus pilot radios back, “Very nice, but watch this?”

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens.

It continues to fly straight at the same speed.  After about 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, “Well, how was that?”

Confused, the jet pilot asks, “Well, what did you do?”

The Airbus pilot laughs and answers, “I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then I got a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate fudge pastry.

The moral of the story is this: ‘When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great.  But as soon as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.’

That is called, S.O.S.: ‘Slower, Older, and Smarter!’

This is dedicated to all of my senior friends - it is time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip-feeling happy. As much as possible anyway!

A Joke for Today. “A Flashing Traffic Camera.”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Flashing Traffic Camera.”

A guy was driving down the road, when he saw the flash of a traffic camera, pointing right at his car and eyes.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit even though he knew he was speeding.

So, just to make sure the camera wasn’t for him, he decided to go around the block and pass the same traffic light even 5 miles more slowly, yet the traffic light flashed again.  “Hum.” he thought.

Now, the driver began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area one more time, only this time, 10 miles an hour slower.

But again, the traffic camera flashed in front of his car. He didn’t want to get any more tickets, but he wanted to find why the traffic camera continued to flash at his car.

Then, a fourth time the driver drove around the block to try to discover why the traffic camera was flashing at his car.  Only this time, he was driving 15 miles lower than the speed limit by now.

Yet, again, the traffic camera flashed again.  Now, the driver was getting a little angry.

But, for some unexplained reason, he started laughing because thought it was sort of funny, knowing that he could not be possibly getting flashed because of the car’s speed.

So, he was rolling pass the traffic camera at a snail’s pace, with the car barely moving.  Sure enough, the traffic camera flashed again, but the driver had enough, so off he drove away very confused.

But he wasn’t confused for long, because two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for not wearing a seat belt!

A Joke for Today. “Be Very Careful When Looking Up at Birds.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Be Very Careful When Looking Up at Birds.”

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.”

“How are you doing?  What happened to you?  You look terrible.”

“What do you mean? “ said the pirated, “ I feel fine.”  As he asked for a nice cold beer, tossing a coin on the bar.

“What about that wooden leg?” asked the bartender. “You didn’t have that before today.”

The pirate answered the bartender, “Well, we were in a terrible and horrible battle at sea.  And I got hit with a huge cannon ball, in my leg. But I am fine now.”

Bartender replied, “Ok, but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?”

“Well,” the pirate started to answer, “We were in another battle where I had to board a huge ship and I got into a sword fight with a tough young fighter.  My hand got cut off.  So therefore, I got fitted with this special hook.  I’m fine now. Really, I am just fine.  What about that beer?  What is the hold up here?”

So, the bartender picked up a clean shiny glass and he started pouring a cold beer for the pirate.

The pirate started to smile because he was really thirsty, waiting for that cold beer on his dry lips.

The bartender smiled back as he asked another curious question, “What about that eye patch?  It fits pretty good?”

As the bartender was handing over that glass of cold beer, the pirated answered the bartender again, “Oh.  One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over the ship.  I looked up to watch them and one of them shit in my eye.  It wasn’t funny at all.  A bit disgusting.” as he took a slip of the cold beer.

“You are kidding?” asked the bartender.  “You lost one eye just from one bird poop dropping down from the sky?”

The pirate grinned back at the bartender. “No, it was my very first day with the hook.”

A Joke for Today. “Would She Believe It?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Would She Believe It?”

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he learned at Sunday school.

“Well, Mom.” said Joey.

“Our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all of the people walked across safely to the other side.”

“Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquaters for reinforcements.

They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, and destroy the enemies that were following them.  And all of the Israelites were saved.”

Joey’s mother looked down at Joey, and stared at him, as she asked him, “Now, Joey.  Is that what your teacher really taught you?

“Well, no!” replied Joey.  But if I told it to you the way the teacher said it, you’d would never believe it!”

A Joke for Today. “How Much to Enter the Gates?”

 A Joke for Today.  “How Much to Enter the Gates?”

A man died and found himself standing at the gates of St. Peter.

St. Peter himself welcomed him at the gates and said to him, “Before you enter, I need to check your record.”

(I was standing at a window at a Chinese airport, looking at the airplane to fly me back to America, when an older Chinese offical said the same thing to me.  Can you imagine that!”)

He opened the man’s file and frowned.

“Hmm, ... you weren’t exactly a perfect man.”

The man became nervious.

St. Peter continued, “But you did one very good thing during your lifetime.”

The man smiled.  “I knew there was at least one thing good I did during my lifetime.”

St. Peter said to him, “You once gave a poor old woman $0.76.” as the man smiled proudly.

“Another time, you gave a homelesss man $0.38,” as the man smiled proudly again.

St. Peter turned to the angel beside him and asked him, “What do you think we should do with him?”

The angel replied, “Give him is $1.14, and tell him to go to hell.”

A Joke for Today. “You cannot take it with you.”

 A Joke for Today.  “You cannot take it with you.”

Donna’s husband, Mike, suddenly passed away.

At the funeral home, the undertaker gently asked, “How would you like the obituary to be read?”

Donna thought for a moment and said, “Mike is Dead.”

The undertakers blinked. “That is very short.”

Donna shrugged.  “How much do obituaries cost?”

The undertaker sighed, “One dollar per word.”

She nodded, “Then that is all I need.”

The undertaker sighed again, but Mike had been his fishing buddy.

“Listen,” he said kindly, “I’ll cover a few extra words for free.  You can make it a little more personal.”

Donna’s face brightened.  “Oh, in that case.”  She smiled.

“Mike is dead. Boat for sale.”

A Joke for Today. “A Job Opening!”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Job Opening!”

A business was hiring a new assistant.

They put out ads everywhere. A couple of days later, a surprise visitor appeared at their office, a dog, holding a newspaper.  The dog pointed to the hiring ad with his paw.

The manager, though intrigued, was very skeptical and decided to challenge the dog:

“I need a someone who can use a computer.”

Without any hesitation, the dog hopped onto a desk, powered up the computer, and even printed a document.

Impress, the manager continued, “Okay, but can you work with a spreadsheet?”

The dog promptly opened up Excel, swiftly inputting data and generation graphs.

Nearly speechless, the manager had one last test: “All that is very impressive, but can you speak another language?”

The dog replied, “Meow”

A Joke for Today. “Don’t get that Ticket Wet.”

 A Joke for Today. “Don’t get that Ticket Wet.”

One day, the wife comes home with a brand new, spectacular diamond ring on her finger.

The husbands asks her, “Where did you get that ring?”

The wife replies, “My boss and I played the lottery today and we won!

So, I bought this spectacular ring with my share of the winnings.”

A week later, his wife comes home with a very long, beautiful shiny fur coat.

The husband asks, “Where did you get that long, beautiful shiny fur coat?”

She replies, “My boss and I played the lottery again, and we won, again. So, I bought it with my share of the winnings.”

Another week passes by, and of course, the wife comes home with a bigger and better prize from her lottery winnings, which was a brand new, flaming red Ferrari car.

From her share of the winnings, of course, as you already guessed.

The husband tells her that he would get the bath water ready for her.

When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bathtub to cover the bath plug.

“What the fuck is this?” asks the very go to happy wife, but not too happy now, wife who is now pissed off.

“Well,” he replies, “We don’t want to get your next fuckin lottery ticket wet, do we?

A Joke for Today. “A Very Tired Ralph.”

A Joke for Today. “A Very Tired Ralph.”

One young woman had always been taught, “Housework is a woman’s job.”

But one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find all of the children bathed, one load of laundry in the clothes washer, and another load of clothes in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove, and the table was set. She was amazed and astonished!! Double that!!

It turned out that her husband Ralph had read an article that said, “Wives who work full-time, and then had to do their own housework, were too tired to have sex.”

That night, everything went very well. The next day at work, she told her all of her office friends about it.

“We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the table, and he washed the dishes too. He cleaned the kitchen for the night. He helped the kids to do their school homework, folded all of the laundry, and he put all of the laundry away, nice and neat.”

“I really enjoyed the evening, even watched some television too.”

But her office friends asked her, “What about afterward? You know, hint, hint.”

“Oh, that, ... Ralph was too tired. He just fell asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow.”

And that ladies and gentlemen, was the end of the story. At least for that night!

A Joke for Today. “Comparing Numbers.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Comparing Numbers.”

A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning.

“My dear wife.  You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old can no longer satisfy.  I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongfully interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 19-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.”

Please don’t be upset with me, but I shall be home before midnight.”

When the man came home that night, he found the following note on the dining table.

“To my dear husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 57 years old, etc.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old.  As you know I am a math teacher at our local college.

I would also like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my math students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is very handsome especially without his clothes on.

He is also young and virile.  And, like your secretary, as a successful businessman, who also has an excellent knowledge of math.  So, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although there is one difference.

19 goes into 57 more times than 57 goes into 19. So therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

See you tomorrow, unless I change my mind!”

A Joke for Today. “Poor, Poor, - Really Poor, Ken!”

 A Joke for Today.  “Poor, Poor, - Really Poor, Ken!”

One day, a father gets out of work, and he realizes that he forgot something, but he cannot put his finger on it.

But at a red light on his way home, he suddenly remembers that it is his young daughter’s birthday that day.

Knowing he has to buy her something, he looks around the area for a store to shop at.

He sees a Toy Store in a mall parking lot, so he pulls into the parking lot to check out the store to buy his daughter a gift.

He walks into the store and there standing before is a toy salesperson, as he sees a whole rack of Barbie Dolls.

He asks the salesperson, “How much for that one in the window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, sir?”

“We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”

The amazed father asks the salesperson, “It is what! Why is the Divorced Barbie for $265.95?”

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes around a bit; sighs a bit louder and answers the father.

“Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer and Television, one of Ken’s Friends, and a Key Chain made with Ken’s balls.”

A Joke for Today. “High Tech versus Low Tech.

 A Joke for Today.  “High Tech versus Low Tech.

Three women - two younger and one senior citizen - were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound.  One of the younger women press her forearm and the beeping sound stop.

The others looked at her curiously.

“That was my pager, “she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later, a phone rang.

The second younger woman who lifted her palm to her ear.  When she finished the call, she explained, “That was my cell phone.” I have a microchip in my hand.”

The older woman felt very low-tech.  Not to be outdone, she stepped out of the sauna and went into the bathroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her bottom.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared in amazement.

The older lady smile at them, and says to them, “Well, well.  Look at that.  I’m getting a fax!”

A Joke for Today. “Will It Work?”

A Joke for Today. “Will It Work?”


An old lady gets pulled over for speeding, by a police officer.

The police officer walks up the car and he asks to see her driver’s license.

The old lady responds, “I don’t have a driver’s license.”

“Hum.” Moans the police officer. “Why don’t you have a driver’s license.”

She proudly states, “It was revoked for drunk driving.”

The police officer is not stunned at all, but then he asks, “Can I see your car’s registration?”

“It is not mine! I stole it!”

“I see.” states the police officer.

“Anything else I should know about, lady?”

She turns her head to look into his eyes, and then states to him, “There is a dead body in the trunk.”

The officer looks stunned as he backs away from the car as he puts his finger on the radio button to call for backup. Soon enough, the Chief of Police arrives on the scene. He approaches the car’s front door, looks inside to see the old lady smiling at him as if something was funny.

“Ma’am. My officer says you have no driver's license, a stolen car, and a dead body in the trunk.”

The old lady smiles at the Chief of Police, hands him a valid drivers licence, and the car’s registration. They open up the trunk, only to find it is empty, with no dead body in it.

The old lady sighs at them as she clearly states with a smile on her face, “I bet that liar told you that I was speeding too.”

A Joke for Today. “The Devil gives Food. Or Not!”

 A Joke for Today.  “The Devil gives Food. Or Not!”

A poor woman called a radio station to ask God for help.

An arrogant wealthy atheist hear her call and decide to mock her.

He bought a huge amount of groceries and ordered his secetary to deliver them to the woman’s house.

He gave one very specific instruction:

“If she asks who sent it, tell her it came from the devil.”

When the groceries arrived, the woman was overjoyed and immediately started putting the food away in their proper places to keep the kitchen ordered.

Curious, the secretary asked her, “Don’t you want to know who sent all of this food to you?”

With a smile the woman replied, “Oh, there is no need for that question.  I don’t care who sent it.  Because when God almighty gives an order, even the devil has to obey it!”

A Joke for Today. “The Math Classroom and the Cross.”

 A Joke for Today.  “The Math Classroom and the Cross.”

Little Billy was a no good, lazy student, and he was failing math, reading, and writing miserably,  especailly the math class.

His parents had enough of his no good, lazy attitude, so they pull him out of the public school.

Instead, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school, where nuns ruled the school.

After his very first day in the local Catholic school, Billy went home without saying a single word.

He went straight to his bedroom to do his math homework, and his reading and writing too.

He stayed there, studying math, reading his book, and writing essays too.

A few days later, his parents finally asked him, Billy, “What happened?  You are reading and writing, and studying so hard, even studying the mathematics?”

Billy simply replied, “When I walked into the math classroom on Monday, I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign above the blackboard, ... I knew they weren’t messing around with this studying stuff.”

An OH No moment.

 

A Joke for Today. “A Dog Being Pushed Home.”

 A Joke for Today.   “A Dog Being Pushed Home.”

A little girl asks her mom, “Mom, can I take the dog around the block?”

“No.” responds her mom, “Because the dog is in heat.”

“What does that mean? asked the child girl.

“Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage.”

So, the girl walks to the garage, where she finds her dad working on the car.

She asks, “‘Dad, can I take Lulu out for a walk around the block?  I asked mom, but she said no because the dog is in heat, so she told me to ask you what you think about it.”

Being a nice dad to her little girl, the dad takes a rag, soaks it in some gasoline, and he rubs it on the backside of the dog to disguise the heat scent.

He tells her, “Ok, you can go now with Lulu around the block, but be careful.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later without a dog on the leash.  Surprised, the dad asks his little girl, “Where is Lulu?”

The little girl looks a bit confused as she states to her dad, “She ran out of gasoline about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home!”

A Joke for Today. “A Drunk Almost Passes the Bar Test for Free Beer for Life.”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Drunk Almost Passes the Bar Test for Free Beer for Life.”

A man walks into a bar, and he sees a sign that says, “Free Beer for Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”

He walks over to the bartender and says, “I see that sign on the wall.  What is this test you have here to get free beer for life?”

The bartender says, “Well, first you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila.

Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator.

Next, and finally, we have a girl upstairs who has never slept with a man; and you got to make things right with her.”

Laughing the man exclaims, “Well, that sounds like the stupidest test I have ever heard of!”

He leaves to get drunk with his friends.  Later that night, the man returns to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk.

He says to the bartender, “Ok bartender! Let me do that test!”

The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging that pepper tequila down his throat.

Teary eyes and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon of pepper tequila and slams the empty gallon jug on the counter.  Happy and drunk as hell.

Stunned, the bartender leads him to the back to the alligator.  A few minutes goes by, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back inside the bar.

His shirt is torn up, and his body is bleeding horribly and profusely, with cuts all over his body from the alligator.

He stares at the bartender and he says to him, “Ok, bartender, where is the girl with the sore tooth?”

A Joke for Today. “A Nun and 1,400 Men.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Nun and 1,400 Men.”

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they all are met by St. Peter.

He says to them, “Sister, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren.” and poof she is gone.

The second nun says, “I want to be Madonna.” and poof she is gone too.

The third nun says, I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?”

“Sars Pipalini.” she replies.

St. Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name doesn’t ring a bell.”

Then the nun takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the newspaper and starts laughing.

“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

A Joke for Today. “A New Hat and An Old Butt.”

 A Joke for Today. “A New Hat and An Old Butt.”

An very old woman is standing on a cruise ship, hold onto the rail, so she doesn’t fall over board.

She is also holding onto her hat tightly with the other hand because of the wind, so it doesn’t fall overboard into the water, and simply blow away onto the ocean’s waters.

A gentleman walks up to her and say, “Pardon me ma’am, I don’t mean to be rude, but did you know that your dress is blowing up into the wind?”

She turns her head around to see him with the response, “Yes, I know that, without letting go of her hat.”

“I need both hands to hold onto this hat and the rail.” she says to him.

He replies, “But ma’am,” the old man insists, blushing, “You are aren’t wearing any underwear, and your private parts are completely exposed!”

The very old lady looks down at her bottom, and she looks back at him and sighs, “Listen, mister. Anything down there is 85 years old. But I just bought this hat yesterday.”