A Joke for Today. "A Lady and Car Noise.”

 A Joke for Today.  "A Lady and Car Noise.”

A woman goes to a car repair garage because her car keeps making a strange noise.

The mechanic starts the engine.

Mechanic: “Hmm. ... He listens very carefully.

The woman says, “Is it serious?

Mechanic: I’m not sure yet.”

He opens up the hood, checks a few things, and then he gets underneath the car.  After about ten minutes, he comes back out from underneath the car.

The woman asks, “Well, is it serious?”

The mechanic wipes his hands off with some soap and water and says, “I found the problem.”

The woman replies, “How much will it cost?”

The mechanic looks at her and replies, “Nothing at all.”

The woman looks shocked, as she asks, “Nothing?

“Yep.” replies the mechanic.

‘Nothing?” asks the woman.

The mechanic says, “Yep.Woman asks, “So what was wrong?”

The mechanic points to towards the driver’s seat, as he states, “Your phone was sitting in the cup holder, and every time you turned left, it vibrated against the dashboard.”

The woman stares at him; and says out loud, “You’re telling me that I drove 40 minutes to a mechanic because my PHONE was making the noise?”

The mechanic nods, “Yes.”

She laughs awkwardly.  “Please, don’t tell my husband.”

The mechanic smiles at her as he replies, “Don’t worry.  I am a mechanic, not a divorce attorney!”

A Joke for Today. “To Fly in the Heavens or Pray like Hell.”

 A Joke for Today.  “To Fly in the Heavens or Pray like Hell.”

A young blonde pilot was in her first flying airplane lesson in a two-seater airplane, like a Cessna 152.

Her airplane instructor was explaining how to land the airplane in case of an emergency, when all of a sudden, he gets a heart attack and dies right there in the airplane next to her; to her amazement, of course.

So, of course, she calls it in, “May day!  May day! Help me! Help me! My airplane instructor just died, is dead and I don’t know how to fly or land the airplane. (Flying an airplane is easy.  Landing not so easy, esp. in windy and bad weather.)

She hears a voice over the radio saying, “This is Air Traffic control.  We hear you loud and clear.  I will talk you down to get you out of this; and get you back on the ground safely. ...

I have had a lot of experiences with this kind of problem.  Are you ready to follow my instructions?

Now, just take a very deep breath.  Everything will be just fine!  Give me your height and positions.”

The blonde replies, “I’m 5'7 and I am in the front seat.”

(After a very long pause.)

“OK. Says the voice on the radio ..... “Now repeat after me, ..... Our Father Who art in heaven,”

(Here is the full version below.)  The Lord's Prayer.

Our Father, who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.

Amen.

A Joke for Today. ‘20 Years. Either - Or!’

A Joke for Today. ‘20 Years. Either - Or!’

A woman awakes in the middle of the night only to find her husband is not in bed with her. What he says to her when she finds him is absolutely hilarious.

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find out that he is not in bed with her, so she puts on her night robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa with a pinch of liquor in front of him.

He appears to be in very deep thought, just staring at the wall.

“What is the matter, dear?” she whispers to him as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband picks up his drink, and he says to her, “It is the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”

She cannot believe he has remembered continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating? I was 18 years old and you were only 15 years old when we started dating.” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive to the memory. “Yes, I do.” She replies.

The husband pauses, the words not coming very easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back of my car seat, fooling around?”

“Yes, I do remember that very special and fun moment.” said the wife, lowering herself into a leather chair next to him.

The husband continued, “Do you remembered when he shoved that shotgun in my face and yelled out at me, “Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison.”

With her eyes wide open, she replies, “Of course, I remember that moment. Dad was so mad his face was red like the devil's.”

The husband sighed as he wiped away another tear away from his cheek, as he stated, “I would have gotten out today!”

A Joke for Today. “The Rooster is Awaiting.”

 A Joke for Today.  “The Rooster is Awaiting.”

A very old, little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says to her, “Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can not figure out how to get it started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it is finished?”

The old lady replies, “Well, according to the picture on the box, it is supposed to a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the old lady’s jigsaw puzzle.

The old lady lets her neighbor into her house and shows him where she has the puzzle set up and how it is spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box for a moment.  Then he looks at the box, and he turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her by the hand and says,

“Secondly, I want you to relax,” and he says, “Let us have a nice cup of tea,” and then, he says with a very deep sigh, he continues, “Let us put all of the Corn Flakes back into the box.”

As with a few swipes of his hand, he pushed the Corn Flakes back into the cereal box.

So much for a puzzle of a rooster!

A Joke for Today. “Someone Needs a New Lawnmower.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Someone Needs a New Lawnmower.” 

At a neighborhood yard sale down the street, Grandpa Earl is inspecting an old, rusted out lawn mower while Grandms Barb hovers over a table of costume jewelry.

Grandpa Earl says to Barb, “Look at this antique Briggs & Stratton lawnmower! The owner wants $15 for it.  I bet I can talk him down to $3 and a half-pack of mints for it.”

Grandma Barb replies, “Earl, that is not a yard sale item.  That is the owner’s actual lawnmower. He was just mowing the grass, and he went inside to use the bathroom.”

Grandpa Earl says to her, “Nonsense, Barb!  It is sitting on the grass near the driveway with everything else.  Everything on the grass is fair game!”

So, Earl pulls out of his pocket three old, crumpled one-dollar bills and leaves them on the table next to the lawnmower.

Grandma Barb yells out, “Earl, he left the engine running.”

Grandpa Earl replies to her, “That just means it is pre-heated, Barb.  It is a bonus feature.”

Earl grabs the lawnmower’s handles, and he starts pushing the running lawnmower down the street on the sidewalk towards his own house.

The neighbor sees what is happening from his window and jumps out the front door of his house with a sandwich in his hand yelling out loud, “HEY!  SIR! THAT IS MY LAWNMOWER. IT IS NOT FOR SALE.”

Grandma Barb turns her head over her shoulder towards the neighbor and yells back to him, as she trots behind Earl;

“NO REFUNDS, STEVE! ALL SALES ARE FINAL!  TAKE IT UP WITH OUR LAWYER!”

A Joke for Today. “Walking Home from School.”

A Joke for Today.  “Walking Home from School.”

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and who were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.

They walked down the street to their old school.

There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they had shared and where he had carved the words, “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet.

She quickly picks it up, but they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it is fify-thousand dollars.

The husband says to her, “We have to give it back.”

She replies, “Finders Keepers.” as she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and then they show up at their home.

They knock on their front door and say, “Pardon us, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

The wife says, “NO!”

The husband says, “She is lying.  She hid it up in the attic.”

She says, “Don’t believe him, he is getting senile.”

But the agents sit the man down and began to question him.

One FBI agent says to the husband, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ... “

One FBI agent looks at the other FBI agent and says, “Let us get out of here!”

A Joke for Today. “That Poor Old Grandmother.”

A Joke for Today.  “That Poor Old Grandmother.”

A husband and a wife were all dressed up and ready for a lovely evening out - dinner and a show.

Having been burglarized before, they left a light on and put the cat out in the backyard.

When the Uber arrived, they stepped outside, ... but their chunky cat slipped back into the house and ran upstairs.

Since the cat loves chasing the parakeet, the husband ran back inside to grab the cat and put her back outside.

Not wanting the driver to think the house would be empty all night, the wife said to the Uber driver, “My husband is saying good-night to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband jumped back into the car, all flustered, out of breath, and a bit hugging and puffing.

He said, “Sorry that took so long, but that stupid old girl was hiding under the bed, so I had to poke her with a stick, and then a coat hanger to get her out from under the bed. Then, she tried to run, so I grabbed her, wrapped a blanket around her so she would not scratch me like she did the last time.”

“I then dragged her downstairs and tossed her into the backyard.  She better not crap in the vegetable garden again.”

The silence in the Uber was deafening, as the wife looked in the mirror to glance at the expression on the Uber driver’s face, holding back her own laughter.

A Joke for Today. ‘The Pharmacist!’

 A Joke for Today.  ‘The Pharmacist!’

A young man walked into a neighborhood pharmacy to pick up some condoms.

The pharmacist behind the counter explained, “They come in pack of 3,9, or12.  Which size would you like them in today?”

The young guy puffed out his chest and smiled smugly, “Well, I have been dating this gorgeous girl for a couple of months now, and tonight is the big night.  I am having dinner with her parents first, and then we’re hitting the town later.  I got this great feeling I am getting lucky tonight, and frankly, once she gets a taste of me, she won’t be able to get enough of it.  So, better make it a 12 pack.”

He paid for his purchase and then he swaggered out the door.

The evening, when he arrived at his girlfriend’s home, he took a seat at the dining room table across from her parents.  Before eating, he politely volunteered to say grace over the meal.  The parents gladly bowed their heads to pray for their blessings.

The young man closed his eyes, clutched his hands tightly together, and he began praying.

Five minutes went by, ... then ten minutes went by.  He kept praying and praying, with his head so low his forehead was nearly resting on the tablecloth, as he was sweating bullets.

Finally, the girlfriend leaned in very close to him and she whispered under her breath, “Sweatheart, you never told me you were such a devout religious man!”

Without lifting his head a single inch, he whispered back.

“You never told me that your dad was the pharmacist!”

A Joke for Today. ‘The Super Jerk!’

 A Joke for Today.  ‘The Super Jerk!’

A guy walks into a towering rooftop bar and he immediately orders a drink.

He then notices a guy next to him, who casually takes a shot, and then he sprints to the edge of the building, and he jumps off the building.

The first guy watches in horror, but ten minutes later, the jumper casually walks back into the bar, completely unharmed.

Astonished, the first guy asks the jumper, “How did you do that!?”

The jumper smiles, “It’s the magic of this building.  If you take a shot of tequila, the updraft from the street below is so strong that is slows your free-fall so you can land upright on your feet.  You just float down gently to the sidewalk.”

Skeptical, but very intrigued, the guy orders a shot of tequila, slams it down his throat, runs to the edge of the building, and leaps off the building, free as a bird.

He plummets twenty stories and rapidly smashes into the pavement below; you know, not complete anymore.

The bartender shakes his head, walks slowly over to the edge of the building, and looks down at the jumper; and he sighs.

“You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you are drunk.”

A Joke for Today. ‘The Professional.’

 A Joke for Today.  ‘The Professional.’

An elderly woman rushed to the pharmacy to pick up some medication, but when she returned to her car, she realized she had locked her keys inside her car.

Looking around, she spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.  She picked it up and she whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this coat hanger on my car to get it unlock.”

So she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send me someone to help me.”

Just minutes later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the parking lot.  A bearded old man in a biker skull helmet got off and asked her, “Need some help, ma’am?”

She explained, “My daughter is sick, and I have locked myself out of my car by locking my keys inside the car.  But I need to get home as soon as possible.  Can you help me by using this coat hanger to unlock and open my car door?”

The biker smiled and said, “Sure.”  In less than a minute, her car was unlocked.

Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!”

The biker chuckled and said, “Lady, I’m not a good man.  I just out of prison yesterday, ... for car theft.”  (Or grand theft auto)

The woman hugged him even tighter and sobbed, “Oh, thank you God, ... you sent me a professional!”

A Joke for Today. “A Horse Ticket and a Frying Pan.”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Horse Ticket and a Frying Pan.”

A man was relaxing in his favorite living room armchair, reading his favorite evening paper, when his wife all of a sudden stormed into the room, and smacked him over the head with a heavy frying pan.

“Ouch!” He yelled out, rubbing the sore bump.  “What was the for?” he asked her.

She held up up a crumpled white piece of crumpled paper as a note with a furious glare.

“I found this in your pocket with the name ‘Mary Lou’ on it, with a phone number on it too.

The husband chuckled and shook his head sideways.

“Honey, you’ve got it all wrong!  And that was just the ticket details.”

Embarrassed, his wife apologized profusely.

Three day later, he was reading his favorite evening newspaper again in the same living room chair, when she snunk up behind him and she knocked him flat again with a bigger, massive cast-iron skillet.

Dazed, he groaned, “What was the for?!”

She glared down at him and said, “Your horse just called!”

A Joke for Today. “Where is the Money?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Where is the Money?”

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheater him out of $10,000,000.

Not good at all!

His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place is because it was assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so he could never testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10,000,000, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where is the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I will kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”

A Joke for Today. “Which Lottery was Won?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Which Lottery was Won?”

An older married couple is sitting on the couch watching TV in complete silence.

Suddenly, the husband turns to his wife and he asks her, “Honey, if I died tomorrow, would you remarry?”

The wife thinks for a long second and replies, “Well, I would live alone, I hate cooking just for myself. And honestly, having a man around to handle the heavy lifting, fix the leaky sink, and pay half the bills is pretty practical.

So, yeah, I probably would remarry eventually.

She turns to him and asks, “What about you?  If I died, would you remarry?”

The husband shrugs and says, "Probably not.  I mean once you’ve won the lottery, you don’t usually go stand in line to buy another ticket.”

The wife just stared at him in absolute silence.

A Joke for Today. A Bridge to Hawaii.

 A Joke for Today.  "A Bridge to Hawaii."

A man was walking along a beach, deep in prayer, when he suddenly said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”

A voice boomed from above, “Because you have been faithful, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there anytime I want.”

The Lord replied, “That is a bit much ... think of all of the engineering, the materials, the miles of ocean.  I could do, but it is a lot to ask for.  Ask for something else.”

So, the man went into deep thought for a while.

Then he said, “Okay. I want to understand women.  What they feel, what they think, why they say, ‘nothing when there is something wrong ... and how to make them truly happy!”

There was a very long pause from the Lord.

Then the Lord said, “So ... about this bridge.  Do you want two or four lanes?”

A Joke for Today. “Where is the Hat?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Where is the Hat?”

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

Murphy had never been seen in church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass.  What made you decide to join us this fine Sunday morning?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. And I know that McGlynn had the same hat as my hat; and knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday.

I also knew that McGlynn had to take his hat off during the Mass and I figured that he would leave it in the back of the church; so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you did not steal McGlynn’s hat.  What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

The priest gave Murphy a big wide smile and said; “After I talked about the Commandments, ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal.’ you decided you would rather do without your hat instead of burning in hell for eternity. Right?”

Murphy shook his head and said, “No, Father. It was after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my hat."

A Joke for Today. “How Much is a Wife Worth?”

 A Joke for Today.  “How Much is a Wife Worth?”

A newly married couple, John and Karen, were walking along the beach during their honeymoon.

Suddenly, John tripped over an old, dusty oil lamp.

He picked it up, rubbed it, and POOF! A magical Genie appeared in a cloud of smoke.

The Genie smile and said, “Thank you for freeing me! I can grant you three wishes. However, because you are newlyweds, there is a special marriage rule: Whatever you wish for, your wife will get ten times (10) times more!

John looked at Karen, smiled, and said, “That is OK.  That is just wonderful! She is my wife, I love her, and I don’t mind sharing.”

For his first wish, John said, Genie, I want to be the richest man in the world. I want 100,00,000 dollars in my bank account.”  (In yesteryear’s dollars of course.)

Genie snapped his fingers. “Done! You have 100 million in your bank account.  But remember, your wife now has 1 billion dollars in her bank account!”

John smiled, “That is perfectly fine with me. What is mine is hers, and what is hers is mine.”

For his second wish, John said, “Genie, I want a fleet of the most luxurious sports cars in the world. A Ferrari, a Lamborghini, and a Rolls Royce!”

The Genie snapped his fingers again. “Done! You have 3 luxury cars, but your wife has now has 30 luxury cars as well, along with a massive garage.”

John nodded happily, “No problem at all! We can all go on road trips together.”

Then, the Genie looked at John very seriously. “Now, think very hard and carefully, young man. This is your third and final wish.  Remember the rule” whatever you get, your wife gets ten times more, as in (10x) as more.”

John closed his eyes, thought for a very long moment, and then he smirked.  He looked at the Genie and said:

“Genie, for my last wish ... please give me a mild, non-fatal heart attack.”

The Genie froze. Karen’s jaw dropped in absolute horror, and John lived happily ever after, as a very, very wealthy bachelor.

A Joke for Today. “Who are the Fallen?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Who are the Fallen?”

There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to committing adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confessing to committing adultery, I’ll quit!”

Well, everyone like him, so they came up with a code word.

Someone who had committed adultery would say the word, ‘Fallen.’ instead of the word adultery.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest, and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age of 92 years old.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town because he was very concerned about something weird happening in town.

The priest said, “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town.

When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about being, ‘fallen.’

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain about the code word, the priest shook his head and with an accusing finger at the mayor said,

“I don’t know what you are laughing about, because your wife fell down three times this week.”

A Joke for today. "Learn how to pronounce words."

 A Joke for today.  "Learn how to pronounce words."

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.  She said, "I have a reason to praise the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a very terrible bicycle wreak and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.  She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children, and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it back in place."

Again, the men if the congregation squirmed uncomfortable as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."  All of the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I am Jim and I would like to tell everyone including my wife, the word is "sternum."

A Joke for today. "A Night Not to be Forgotten!"

 A Joke for today. "A Night Not to be Forgotten!"

A Couple wants to enjoy their very first night together, but they never expected this.

Fred and Mary got married, but they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their very first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, get up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mother if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No."

Johnny asks her, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, I don't want to hear what you think, so go to school.

Johnny comes home from school for lunch and he asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think. Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ""Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "NO."

He asks again, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, tell me what you think?"

He says, "Last night Fred came into my bedroom for the Vaseline, and I think I gave him my airplane's SUPER GLUE."

RAINBOW. 8.28.2026. 7.45.2026.