A Joke for Today. “A Drunk Sees Flaming Lights.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Drunk Sees Flaming Lights.”

A Virginia State trooper pulled over a car on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line-border.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler, and that he was on his way to Beckley, WV. to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late, which he seemed to be anyway.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and he also said if the driver would do a few juggling tricks for him, then he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

The Juggler told the trooper he had sent his juggling equipment ahead and he didn’t have anything to juggle.

So, the trooper said he had some flares in the trunk, and he asked the juggler if he could juggle them, as they were lit up on fire.

The juggler replied that he could juggle anything at all within reason.  So, the trooper got 5 flares out of his patrol car trunk, and then he lit them up to start a bright flaming glare.  He then handed them to the juggler.

While the juggler was juggling the bright lit up flares, a car pulled behind the patrol car and stopped.  A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out of his car.  He watched the performance very briefly, and then he slowly walked over to the patrol car, he opened the rear door and enter the patrol car.

The trooper observed him, and he walked over to his patrol car, he opened the door, and he asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk yelled out the door, “You might as well take my ass to jail, because there is no way in hell, or on earth I can pass that test!”

How I saw a human being walk on the moon. In 1969,

 

A Joke for Today. “Who is the Mightiest?”

A Joke for Today. “Who is the Mightiest?”

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared out loud, “Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!”

Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellows out loud, “Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, “Oh, you are the mightiest animal in all of the jungle.”

Since the lion was on a roll, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?”

Fast as lighting, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, leaving the lion feeling like it had been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion until it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts up his head very weakly, and it hollers out at the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to be so upset about it.”

A Joke for Today. “Does the Ex-Husband Know How to Spell?”

 A Joke for Today. “Does the Ex-Husband Know How to Spell?”

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven one day after she died.

While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she was peeking through the holy heavenly gates. There, she saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around that beautiful banquet table was her parents and all of the other people who loved her and who she loved too, and who had died before her too early of a death she believed.

They saw her and they started calling out all sorts of greetings to her like, “Hello. How are you? We have been waiting for you. Good to see you! Etc.”

When Saint Peter came by to see her, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

Saint Peter replied, “You have to spell a word.”

“What word?” she asked.

Saint Peter answered her, “LOVE.”

She knew that was very easy. “L O V E.”

So, Saint Peter welcomed her into the Pearly Gate of Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman, and he asked her to watch the Pearly Gates of Heaven for a short period of time.

While the woman was watching the Pearly Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived, so she said to him, “I’m surprised to see you here.”

He replied to her, “Oh yes. Well, I have been doing pretty good since you died.”

He continued, “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you when you were sick. And I won the multi-state lottery, so I sold that little house you and I lived in and then I bought a huge mansion to live in. Very big indeed. And my wife and I have traveled all around the globe, visiting all sorts of very cool places, eating great food, seeing the sites, and of course, listening to great music from all around the world while we drank wine and danced to music.”

“We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head hard, and here I am today. What a bummer! How do I get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven?”

His ex-wife replied to him, “You have to spell a word.”

The ex-husband asked her, “What word?”

She smiled at him, with her eyes wide open. “Czechoslovakia!”

A Joke for Today. “The Hand of God, Or ...”

A Joke for Today. “The Hand of God, Or ...”

A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a windy storm.

As the night went by, no cars passed him. The storm was so strong, that he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. He had been drinking at a bar in a very small, teeny, tiny town, so he was a bit drunk, but he still has some of his wits about him.

Suddenly, he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the car door, only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started moving slowly ahead. By this time in the windy, dark storm, the guy couldn’t see anything because it was so foggy, inside and outside the car.

The guy looked at the road and he barely saw a curve coming his way. Scared for his life, he started praying, and begging for his life not to end because he thought he was going to die falling off the cliff.

He hadn’t come out of shock yet, when just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

Once the car had slowed down enough, the guy gathered his strength, opened the door and jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town, as the car slowly creep forward with no driver in the drivers seat.

Wet and in shock, he ran into the nearest bar and asked for two shots of tequila. He started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through with the car moving without a driver through the darkness of the night, in the horrible storm where he couldn’t see except barely a few feet in from of him.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized that the guy was crying and he wasn’t really that drunk, but he ordered a beer anyway just to cool himself off of the fear he was possessed with being in a scene from a horror movie.

About a half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, sat down and ordered a beer.

One guy said to the other guy, “Look Bubba. That is the jerk who climbed into the car while we were pushing it!”

A Joke for Today. “A Very Tired Dog!”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Very Tired Dog!”

An old, tired looking dog wandered into a backyard.  The owner of the backyard could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of in general.

The dog calmly went over to the owner, and the owner gave the dog a few pats on his head. The dog then followed the houseowner, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and it fell asleep.

An hour later, the dog went to the door, so the houseowner let it outside.

The next day the dog had returned, and it greeted the houseowner in the backyard again, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and it slept again for about an hour.

That continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, the houseowner pinned a note to the dog’s collar, “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask this person if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The very next day the dog arrived for his nap in the house-owner’s hallway, with a different note pinned to his collar.

“He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age 3.  He is trying to catch up on his sleep.  Can I come with him tomorrow!”

A Joke for Today. “A Blond with Crabs.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Blond with Crabs.”

So, a lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs.

He asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him during the flight.

She took the box of crabs and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them to stay frozen; mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and then he basically threaten her about what would happen to her if she let them completely thaw out, even though she was helping him out and being very nice to the guy, or the jerk, if you will.

Shortly before the airplane landing in New York, she picked up the airplane’s intercom mouthpiece to announce to the entire cabin, meaning to everyone on the airplane, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand high in the air towards the above storage units?”

Not one hand up rose high in the air towards the storage units, ... so she took the box of crabs home with her and ate them.

There are two lessons here.

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are!

2. Blonds aren’t as dumb as people say they are!

A Joke for Today. “Three In One.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Three In One.”

A man came home unexpectedly very early from work one day and he walked straight into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man.  (A common event it seems - man working, wife cheating.)

Enraged, the husband pulled out a pair of revolvers and challenged the lover to a classic gentlemen’s duel: whoever survives the shootout would keep the very horny wife.

The lover agreed, and to spare the wife from witnessing the bloodshed, the two men stepped into the adjacent study.

Once the door was closed tight, the husband whispered, “Look.  Why should either of us actually die over this very horny wife of mine.

Why not fire two bullets straight into the ceiling and drop to the floor like we are dead.  When she rushes into the study room, whichever one of us she runs to first and weeps over gets to keep her for good.”

The lover nodded in agreement.  So, off goes the guns.  BANG! BANG!

The shots rang out, and both men threw themselves onto the hardwood floor, their eyes closed, playing dead.

Moments later, the wife threw the door open, peered at the two motionless bodies sprawled across the floor, and turned back toward the hallway closet with a sigh of relief, as she yelled out down the hallway, 

“Honey. You can come out now. They are both dead!”

A Joke for Today. “A Human versus A Bull.”

 A Joke for Today. “A Human versus A Bull.”

A husband and wife were visiting a country fair and they stopped by the cattle section.

At the very first stall, a sign read: “This bull bred 50 times last year.”

The wife smiled and nudged her husband, and said, “See? 50 times a year.”

At the second stall, the sign read: “This bull bred 150 times last year.”

The wife laughed even louder the second time and said to her husband. “Wow! You sure could learn something from him.”

He wasn’t happy about that statement either, but he said nothing at all.

At the third stall, the sign proudly read: “This bull bred 365 times last year.”

The wife looked at her husband and said, “Once a day for a whole year. Amazing. Isn’t it?”

The husband finally smiled and calmly replied, “Go ask if it was from the same old cow every time.”

A Joke for Today. “A 12-Inch What?”

A Joke for Today. “A 12-Inch What?”

A man with a box walks into a bar and he sits down on a bar stool.

He starts to order a drink, but he seems a bit distressed for some unknown reason.

“What is in the box?” asks the bartender.

“Ugh, just get me a very strong drink.” says the grumbling man.

The bartender says, “Show me what is in the box, and the next drink is free, on the house.”

The man nods as he places the box on the bar. He takes out a small piano and puts it on the bar top.

Then, a very small man about a foot tall come out of the box and he starts playing the most beautiful music in the world, most beautiful he has ever heard in his life. (Which isn’t saying much. Probably!)

Anyway, the bartender asks the man slowly drinking his drink, “Where did you get that box and the 12 inch tall man?”

The drinking man replies, “There is a genie outside granting wishes, but....”

Before he can finish his statement to answer the question, the bartender runs outside. He sees the genie, and yells, “I wish for a million bucks!”

After a puff of smoke, there are a million ducks walking inside and outside the bar all quacking simultaneously.

The bartender runs back inside the bar and yells out to the drinking man, “Hey, you didn’t tell me that the genie was hard of hearing!”

The drinking guy turns around very slowly with his eyes beaming at the bartender, as he sadly said to him, “Did you really think that I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

A Joke for Today. “Oh, oh. Upside Down with a View.”

 A Joke for Today. “Oh, oh. Upside Down with a View.”

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her first day of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the very first day, but on the second day, she decided that no one would see her body way up there on the roof, so she slipped out of her bathing suit to get a better, overall tan.

She’d hardly begun her tanning section when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her butt so nobody could see it.

Soon enough, she heard the words, “Excuse me miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the long flight of stairs.

“The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

She barked out loud, “What is the difference does it make?” Joan asked rather loudly. “No one can see me up here, and besides I am covered with a towel anyway.”

“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You are lying on the dining room skylight!”

A Joke for Today. “Another Daddy?”

A Joke for Today. “Another Daddy?”

A father put his three-year old daughter to bed, and told her a story, and listened to her say her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy. God bless daddy. God bless grandma. And good-bye grandpa.”

The father has her, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”

The little girl replied, “I don’t know, daddy. It seemed the right thing to do.”

The next day, her grandpa died. Yet, her father thought it was just a very strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed, and he listened to her prayers again, which went something like this. “God bless mommy. God bless daddy. And good-bye grandma.”

The very next day the grandma died.

“My gosh.” thought the father. “This kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the daddy heard her say her prayers again, which sounded like, “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night. He woke up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day long, had his lunch sent in, and he watched the clock, very carefully.

He figured that if he could make it until midnight, that he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed in the office, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and he went home.

When he got home, his wife asked him, “I have not seen you work so late. What is the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I just had the worse day of my life.”

The wife responded with, “Tell me about it. You think you had a bad day. You would not believe what happened to me.”

The husband just stared at his wife thinking to himself, “Sure, honey.”

His wife looked like she was going to cry when she said, “This morning the mailman dropped dead on our front porch.”

A Joke for Today. “A Wife Doubts an Old Fisherman.”

A Joke for Today.  “A Wife Doubts an Old Fisherman.”  

An old fisherman is sitting by a lake when a young man approaches him.

The young man asks the old fisherman, “Caught anything today?”

The old fisherman responds, “Just one fish today.”

The young man asks, “Only one fish?  I have been fishing here for four hours, and I haven’t caught a thing.”

The old man smiles as he gives the young man some advice, “Patience, son.  Fishing is all about patience.”

The young man sits beside him. After an hour, he still hasn’t caught anything, so he asks the old man, “How do you stay so calm?  I’m getting bored.”

The old fisherman replies, “I think about life, enjoy the fresh air, and appreciate the little things of life.”

The young fisherman nods his head up and down in agreement, as he says to the old fisherman, “That is heavy. Pretty deep! So, "What is the biggest fish you have ever caught?”

The old fisherman smiles at the youngster as he says to him, “A 40-pound bass!”

The young fisherman replies, “Wow! How did you catch it?”

The old fisherman responds, “With a tiny hook and a little worm.”

The young fisherman looks amazed and asks the older fisherman, “That is incredible! How long did it take?”

The old man thinks about it for a few minutes, “About 10 minutes.”

The young man is shocked.  “Only 10 minutes?”

“Yes.  But it took me 20 years to convince my wife that it was 40 pounds.”

The young man laughs, as he asks the old man, “Did she ever believe you?”

The old timer starts to pack up his fishing gear as he says, “NO!  But she stopped asking me how much money I spent on fishing equipment.”

A Joke for Today. “Which Service?”

 A Joke for Today. “Which Service?”

One Sunday morning, at the morning service, the pastor noticed a little boy named Alex standing in the foyer of one of the cities biggest churches in town.

He was staring up at a large plaque on the wall, wondering what it was all about. But he figured that it must be something very important and special.

It was cover with names in black letters, along with small American flags mounted on either side of it. It looked like a rather special plaque, thought Alex.

The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, longer than usual especially for a little boy.

So, the pastor walked up to Alex and he said to him, “Good morning. How are you doing today?”

“Good morning, Pastor.” he replied, as he was still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor,” Alex started asking, “What is that on the wall.”

The pastor replied, “Well son, it is a memorial to all of the men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque, alone in their thoughts.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30 one?”

A Joke for Today. "A Marriage Helped by a Cop.”

A Joke for Today.  “A Marriage Helped by a Cop.”

A man gets pulled over for speeding. 

As the cop approaches the car, the man asks if he can get out of the car so he can talk to the cop in private.

The cops says. “Ok.”

He then asks the man why he was speeding.

The man says, “You see the woman sitting in the passenger side front seat?  That is my wife!  Do see the woman sitting in the back seat?  That is my mother-in-law!”

“She has been living with us for three months now.  This morning they had a big fight and the mother-in-law insisted we take her home as fast as possible.  So, I am trying to get her there as quickly as possible before they make up and she wants to return home with us.”

The cop looks at the man and says: “Get back in your car and I will give you a police escort with lights and sirens.  We will get her home as fast as possible?”

A Joke for Today. “Happy Birthday OR Happy Surprise.”

 A Joke for Today. “Happy Birthday OR Happy Surprise.”

“Why did she get a divorce?” The woman was asked, by her new friend. So, she started to explain to her friend with a sense of hesitation.

Last month it was her birthday.

Her husband didn’t wish her a happy birthday.

Even her parents forgot it was her birthday.

She went to work and even her co-workers forgot it was her birthday. They didn’t say anything to her. And it seemed as if they were ignoring her, which sometimes happens on birthdays. But she was thinking that maybe it was just her imagination.

When she got to the office, her very good looking and handsome male secretary smile at her, and he said, “Happy Birthday, ma’am.”

She felt so special. He asked her out to lunch, and afterwards, he invited her to his apartment, so she was feeling extra special and happy because maybe she was going to get ‘lucky.’ As a special birthday gift, that is!

When they got to the secretary’s apartment, he asked, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

She smiled at him as she because she knew what that meant, so she responded to that good looking secretary with the words,

“Okay. Not at all. Take your time., But her thoughts within her mind were thinking, ‘Just like the good old days.

This is truly going to be a great birthday gift for me. Screw the rest of them, including my no good husband.’

Five minutes later, he opened the bedroom door, and he came out holding a huge birthday cake with candles on top of it, followed by her husband, her parents, her kids, her friends, and all of her colleagues, all yelling, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.”

While she was waiting on the oversized sofa, ‘nude and ‘available.’

A Joke for Today. “A Gift for a Baby.”

A Joke for Today. “A Gift for a Baby.”

A woman was standing in front of the window in the maternity wing of a hosptial looking at her newborn baby when another new mom walked up beside her.

She pointed at a baby and said, “Is that your baby boy there?”

The first woman replied, “Why, yes, it is.”

The second woman then pointed at a baby boy beside it and said, “That is my third child.

We named him Beauregard Winston Balkwin the THIRD after his great, great, great grandfather, the famous Conferate general.”

“That is nice.” replied the first woman.”

The second woman continued talking. “My husband is buying me a four carat diaond ring to celebrate my child’s birth.”

“That is nice.” replied the first woman.

“When I birthed our very first child, my husband bought a yacht, and named it after me, and then we sailed around the world.” said the second woman.

“That is nice.” said the first woman, again.

“For our second child.’ said the second woman. “My husband bought me a second house.”

“Is this your first child?” asked the second woman. “What did your husband buy you?”

The first woman turned to her and answered the second woman, “When we found out that I was pregnant, my husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” said the second woman, incredulously. “Why would he do that?”

“Yes! Well.” replied the first woman, as she stared right in the eyes of the second woman. “That is where I learned to say, “That is nice!” instead of “Who gives a fuck!”

A Joke for Today. “One Fast Swig and Down She Fell.”

 A Joke for Today. “One Fast Swig and Down She Fell.”

One time I got sick, and I landed in a hospital room. (Way more than one time, actually.)

There was this one nurse who just drove me crazy, because every time she came into the room, she would always talk to me like I was a small child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how we doing this morning, my dearie?”

Or “Are we ready for your today’s bath time, because another nurse has prepared the warm water, my dearie?”

Or “Are we hungry enough to eat a full meal, because the cooks have been mightly busy preparing it, my dearie?”

Or "Are ready for the doctor's visit today, because he really wants to see you and check up on how you are doing today, my dearie?

That kind of crap just never stopped.

I had had enough of this particualar nurse. I was just tired of her voice too. So, I thouight up something really neat to play a joke on her, just for my own laugh and enjoyment.

After all, a hospital room can be very boring most of the time.

So, one day at breakfast, when the breakfast tray was brought into my room and it was set on the table next to my bed, I took the apple juice cup off the tray and I put it in my bedside stand, so she could not see it.

Later, she wanted me to give her a urine sample, so she give me a urine sample bottle to fill with up with my pee for testing, so she would know where the juice went! (Whatever that means.)

The nurse returned a little later to pick up the urine sample bottle, which was easy enough to do for any nurse anywhere in the world.

She looked at it, and she said to me, “My, my, my dearie. It seems we are a little cloudy today.” (Meaning my pee, that is.)

She set the urine bottle down on the table, and as soon as that urine bottle touched the table, I snatched it off the table, popped off the top, and gulped it all down my throat in one downward motion like it was a swig of whiskey, which I a lot of practice doing before that moment.

Then I said, “I’ll run it down again, just to check it better.”

The nurse fainted, ... I just smiled!”

A Joke for Today. “A Cat and Mice in Heaven.”

A Joke for Today. “A Cat and Mice in Heaven.”

A cat died and went to heaven.

God met the cat at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a very good cat all of these years, throughout your whole cat life.

Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All of my life I have lived on a farm, and I have slept on very hard, wooden floors. I would really like a really fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” And instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.

God met the mice at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, with the exact same off that He made to the cat.

The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives, from cats, dogs, even from people with brooms. Plus, more catchers of mice.

If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”

God answered the 12 mice, “It is done.” All of the mice had the most beautiful little roller-skates in the world.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her flat HUGE pillow.

The cat looked a little bigger. God gently awakened the cat and asked it, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

They replied, “Oh everything is just the most WONDERFUL.”

“I have never been so happy in my life.”

My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-On-Wheels’ that you have been sending over to me are just the most delicious.”

A Joke for Today. “S.O.S. High in the Sky.”

A Joke for Today.  “S.O.S. High in the Sky.”

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 800 km/h, at 30,300 feet, when suddenly a Euro jetfighter airplane, with a Tempo Mach 2 appears out of nowhere from the clouds.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus, boring flight, isn’t it?  Now have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then he swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking nosedive.

Then he loops back next to the side of the Airbus, and asks its pilot, “Well, how was that?”

Confused, the Airbus pilot radios back, “Very nice, but watch this?”

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens.

It continues to fly straight at the same speed.  After about 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, “Well, how was that?”

Confused, the jet pilot asks, “Well, what did you do?”

The Airbus pilot laughs and answers, “I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then I got a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate fudge pastry.

The moral of the story is this: ‘When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great.  But as soon as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.’

That is called, S.O.S.: ‘Slower, Older, and Smarter!’

This is dedicated to all of my senior friends - it is time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip-feeling happy. As much as possible anyway!

A Joke for Today. “A Flashing Traffic Camera.”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Flashing Traffic Camera.”

A guy was driving down the road, when he saw the flash of a traffic camera, pointing right at his car and eyes.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit even though he knew he was speeding.

So, just to make sure the camera wasn’t for him, he decided to go around the block and pass the same traffic light even 5 miles more slowly, yet the traffic light flashed again.  “Hum.” he thought.

Now, the driver began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area one more time, only this time, 10 miles an hour slower.

But again, the traffic camera flashed in front of his car. He didn’t want to get any more tickets, but he wanted to find why the traffic camera continued to flash at his car.

Then, a fourth time the driver drove around the block to try to discover why the traffic camera was flashing at his car.  Only this time, he was driving 15 miles lower than the speed limit by now.

Yet, again, the traffic camera flashed again.  Now, the driver was getting a little angry.

But, for some unexplained reason, he started laughing because thought it was sort of funny, knowing that he could not be possibly getting flashed because of the car’s speed.

So, he was rolling pass the traffic camera at a snail’s pace, with the car barely moving.  Sure enough, the traffic camera flashed again, but the driver had enough, so off he drove away very confused.

But he wasn’t confused for long, because two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for not wearing a seat belt!

A Joke for Today. “Be Very Careful When Looking Up at Birds.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Be Very Careful When Looking Up at Birds.”

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.”

“How are you doing?  What happened to you?  You look terrible.”

“What do you mean? “ said the pirated, “ I feel fine.”  As he asked for a nice cold beer, tossing a coin on the bar.

“What about that wooden leg?” asked the bartender. “You didn’t have that before today.”

The pirate answered the bartender, “Well, we were in a terrible and horrible battle at sea.  And I got hit with a huge cannon ball, in my leg. But I am fine now.”

Bartender replied, “Ok, but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?”

“Well,” the pirate started to answer, “We were in another battle where I had to board a huge ship and I got into a sword fight with a tough young fighter.  My hand got cut off.  So therefore, I got fitted with this special hook.  I’m fine now. Really, I am just fine.  What about that beer?  What is the hold up here?”

So, the bartender picked up a clean shiny glass and he started pouring a cold beer for the pirate.

The pirate started to smile because he was really thirsty, waiting for that cold beer on his dry lips.

The bartender smiled back as he asked another curious question, “What about that eye patch?  It fits pretty good?”

As the bartender was handing over that glass of cold beer, the pirated answered the bartender again, “Oh.  One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over the ship.  I looked up to watch them and one of them shit in my eye.  It wasn’t funny at all.  A bit disgusting.” as he took a slip of the cold beer.

“You are kidding?” asked the bartender.  “You lost one eye just from one bird poop dropping down from the sky?”

The pirate grinned back at the bartender. “No, it was my very first day with the hook.”

A Joke for Today. “Would She Believe It?”

 A Joke for Today.  “Would She Believe It?”

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he learned at Sunday school.

“Well, Mom.” said Joey.

“Our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all of the people walked across safely to the other side.”

“Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquaters for reinforcements.

They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, and destroy the enemies that were following them.  And all of the Israelites were saved.”

Joey’s mother looked down at Joey, and stared at him, as she asked him, “Now, Joey.  Is that what your teacher really taught you?

“Well, no!” replied Joey.  But if I told it to you the way the teacher said it, you’d would never believe it!”

A Joke for Today. “How Much to Enter the Gates?”

 A Joke for Today.  “How Much to Enter the Gates?”

A man died and found himself standing at the gates of St. Peter.

St. Peter himself welcomed him at the gates and said to him, “Before you enter, I need to check your record.”

(I was standing at a window at a Chinese airport, looking at the airplane to fly me back to America, when an older Chinese offical said the same thing to me.  Can you imagine that!”)

He opened the man’s file and frowned.

“Hmm, ... you weren’t exactly a perfect man.”

The man became nervious.

St. Peter continued, “But you did one very good thing during your lifetime.”

The man smiled.  “I knew there was at least one thing good I did during my lifetime.”

St. Peter said to him, “You once gave a poor old woman $0.76.” as the man smiled proudly.

“Another time, you gave a homelesss man $0.38,” as the man smiled proudly again.

St. Peter turned to the angel beside him and asked him, “What do you think we should do with him?”

The angel replied, “Give him is $1.14, and tell him to go to hell.”

A Joke for Today. “You cannot take it with you.”

 A Joke for Today.  “You cannot take it with you.”

Donna’s husband, Mike, suddenly passed away.

At the funeral home, the undertaker gently asked, “How would you like the obituary to be read?”

Donna thought for a moment and said, “Mike is Dead.”

The undertakers blinked. “That is very short.”

Donna shrugged.  “How much do obituaries cost?”

The undertaker sighed, “One dollar per word.”

She nodded, “Then that is all I need.”

The undertaker sighed again, but Mike had been his fishing buddy.

“Listen,” he said kindly, “I’ll cover a few extra words for free.  You can make it a little more personal.”

Donna’s face brightened.  “Oh, in that case.”  She smiled.

“Mike is dead. Boat for sale.”

A Joke for Today. “A Job Opening!”

 A Joke for Today.  “A Job Opening!”

A business was hiring a new assistant.

They put out ads everywhere. A couple of days later, a surprise visitor appeared at their office, a dog, holding a newspaper.  The dog pointed to the hiring ad with his paw.

The manager, though intrigued, was very skeptical and decided to challenge the dog:

“I need a someone who can use a computer.”

Without any hesitation, the dog hopped onto a desk, powered up the computer, and even printed a document.

Impress, the manager continued, “Okay, but can you work with a spreadsheet?”

The dog promptly opened up Excel, swiftly inputting data and generation graphs.

Nearly speechless, the manager had one last test: “All that is very impressive, but can you speak another language?”

The dog replied, “Meow”

A Joke for Today. “Don’t get that Ticket Wet.”

 A Joke for Today. “Don’t get that Ticket Wet.”

One day, the wife comes home with a brand new, spectacular diamond ring on her finger.

The husbands asks her, “Where did you get that ring?”

The wife replies, “My boss and I played the lottery today and we won!

So, I bought this spectacular ring with my share of the winnings.”

A week later, his wife comes home with a very long, beautiful shiny fur coat.

The husband asks, “Where did you get that long, beautiful shiny fur coat?”

She replies, “My boss and I played the lottery again, and we won, again. So, I bought it with my share of the winnings.”

Another week passes by, and of course, the wife comes home with a bigger and better prize from her lottery winnings, which was a brand new, flaming red Ferrari car.

From her share of the winnings, of course, as you already guessed.

The husband tells her that he would get the bath water ready for her.

When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bathtub to cover the bath plug.

“What the fuck is this?” asks the very go to happy wife, but not too happy now, wife who is now pissed off.

“Well,” he replies, “We don’t want to get your next fuckin lottery ticket wet, do we?

A Joke for Today. “A Very Tired Ralph.”

A Joke for Today. “A Very Tired Ralph.”

One young woman had always been taught, “Housework is a woman’s job.”

But one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find all of the children bathed, one load of laundry in the clothes washer, and another load of clothes in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove, and the table was set. She was amazed and astonished!! Double that!!

It turned out that her husband Ralph had read an article that said, “Wives who work full-time, and then had to do their own housework, were too tired to have sex.”

That night, everything went very well. The next day at work, she told her all of her office friends about it.

“We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the table, and he washed the dishes too. He cleaned the kitchen for the night. He helped the kids to do their school homework, folded all of the laundry, and he put all of the laundry away, nice and neat.”

“I really enjoyed the evening, even watched some television too.”

But her office friends asked her, “What about afterward? You know, hint, hint.”

“Oh, that, ... Ralph was too tired. He just fell asleep as soon as his head hit his pillow.”

And that ladies and gentlemen, was the end of the story. At least for that night!

A Joke for Today. “Comparing Numbers.”

 A Joke for Today.  “Comparing Numbers.”

A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning.

“My dear wife.  You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old can no longer satisfy.  I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongfully interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 19-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.”

Please don’t be upset with me, but I shall be home before midnight.”

When the man came home that night, he found the following note on the dining table.

“To my dear husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 57 years old, etc.  I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old.  As you know I am a math teacher at our local college.

I would also like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my math students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is very handsome especially without his clothes on.

He is also young and virile.  And, like your secretary, as a successful businessman, who also has an excellent knowledge of math.  So, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although there is one difference.

19 goes into 57 more times than 57 goes into 19. So therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

See you tomorrow, unless I change my mind!”

A Joke for Today. “Poor, Poor, - Really Poor, Ken!”

 A Joke for Today.  “Poor, Poor, - Really Poor, Ken!”

One day, a father gets out of work, and he realizes that he forgot something, but he cannot put his finger on it.

But at a red light on his way home, he suddenly remembers that it is his young daughter’s birthday that day.

Knowing he has to buy her something, he looks around the area for a store to shop at.

He sees a Toy Store in a mall parking lot, so he pulls into the parking lot to check out the store to buy his daughter a gift.

He walks into the store and there standing before is a toy salesperson, as he sees a whole rack of Barbie Dolls.

He asks the salesperson, “How much for that one in the window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, sir?”

“We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”

The amazed father asks the salesperson, “It is what! Why is the Divorced Barbie for $265.95?”

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes around a bit; sighs a bit louder and answers the father.

“Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer and Television, one of Ken’s Friends, and a Key Chain made with Ken’s balls.”